


Vertigo

by n_nami



Category: CW RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: First Time, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Kid!Fic, M/M, Time Travel, future!fic, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-15
Updated: 2014-06-15
Packaged: 2018-02-04 19:22:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 41,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1790374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/n_nami/pseuds/n_nami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>They say that when you die, your life flashes before your eyes and you relive every moment of it. </i>A near-death experience leaves Jared with an epiphany about Jensen, a mess to work through with him and their wives, and the realization that even five years after the show ended, there's still a supernatural touch to their lives. Because that second chance? No one just gets something like it handed to them by a strange woman showing up in their back yard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** I own nothing except the idea to this story. Lies and fiction all around. I don't wish anything that happens in this story upon the people mentioned in this story, who I in no way want to insult. They are lovely people who don't deserve any of this.  
>  This story is non-AU up to 2014, but the boys' kids are OCs.
> 
>  **Warnings:** major character death (with a happy end!); themes of infidelity (emotional infidelity, no actual, physical adultery); graphic sexual content
> 
> Written for the [spn_j2_bigbang](http://spn_j2_bigbang.livejournal.com/) 2014.
> 
> Cross-posted on [my LJ](http://namichan89.livejournal.com/34669.html).
> 
> [Art Masterpost](http://siennavie.livejournal.com/35889.html) by [siennavie](http://siennavie.livejournal.com/)

_They say that when you die, your life flashes before your eyes and you relive every moment of it._

They wrapped up filming the 227th and last episode of Supernatural on Tuesday, 21st of April, 2015.

The one calling “That's a wrap, guys!” at the end of the day and their tenth season was none other than Eric Kripke himself. He had volunteered to supervise the teleplay on their last episode, and his voice was shaking slightly.

Even though the goodbyes from the crew and Misha and Jensen were tinged with a subdued melancholy, it didn't feel like any other goodbye from the past 10 years. From the past _decade._

This time, when their usual hiatus conventions were over and June was slowly but surely coming, no new scripts were delivered to Jared's home in Austin. For the first time since leaving Vancouver, it hit Jared that a huge part of his life was well and truly over, that Jensen was in L.A., auditioning for a role in some B-movie.

That he wouldn't just fly back to Vancouver in a few weeks to be Sam Winchester again, who had his loyal brother and best friend at his side.

Because Sam and Dean Winchester died a hero's death, fighting for and saving the world and were reunited with their lost friends and family in heaven. This time, there was no going back.

There was just going back to work.

Without Jensen.

“Can we move back to L.A.?” Jared asked Genevieve on a whim that day, while sitting at the kitchen table with his head in his hands.

“Of course we can,” she said and ran her hand down his back, soothing him, before turning back to feed more applesauce to Rose, their youngest. Then, after a heavy pause, “You miss them, don't you, baby?”

“Yeah,” Jared croaked out, thinking of Jensen and his blinding smile. Of Misha and his wicked grin. “I do.”

“Well, me too,” Genevieve confessed. “Also, Sean and Rose will be happy to see Valentin and the girls again.”

Jared nodded absent-mindedly as he took her available hand and squeezed it, a silent gesture of how grateful he was that she was with him. “I don't know if I want to... if I can--”

“You don't have to think about that now. It's not like you need to find a new role immediately.”

“But I don't wanna lose touch either.”

“I know,” Genevieve replied softly as she wiped a smear of applesauce off Rose's cheek. “But I know you, and I know what's going on in that big head of yours. Don't think I can't understand how hard it's gonna be, working with someone else other than Jensen after ten years.”

Jared smiled at her. He really was glad to have married her.

“Also, can you go look after Sean? So he doesn't put the football through another window of the greenhouse,” Genevieve sighed.

Jared nodded. “Will do.”

Two months later, they were back in the City of Angels, in their old home. Jensen lived close by and Misha was only a few blocks away. It was a good neighborhood for the kids to grow up in, not too far out from the parts of the city where the real A-list celebrities lived and where the real estate prices were way above their league.

Since it was easiest for the Collins, Padalecki and Ackles families, they shared the time to look after their children – which resulted in them living in each other's pockets just like Jensen, Jared and Misha had, back in the day in Vancouver. The kids made a good mix of characters and had bonded quickly. Haley, Misha's oldest, was as much Julia's - Jensen's daughter's - older sister as Sean was Rose's older brother.

When Jared couldn't score a new role immediately, he offered to stay home with the kids. It lined up well with his wife picking up a recurring role in one of The CW's new shows instead. The time off did him some good, and Jensen, in the same situation, used the same opportunity. Danneel had missed work just as much as Genevieve had.

They enjoyed it, living under a rock with a couple rambunctious kids around them as the kept husbands. And Jared got to see Jensen all day every day, like back in the days of Supernatural.

Misha went on to direct some projects after the success of 'TSA America', and Jensen eventually picked up a role as a voice actor in a kid's TV series on Nickelodeon. During the third hiatus of Genevieve's show, Jared landed a supporting role in a B-movie that even made it to theaters overseas.

When her show was canceled instead of the expected renewal one year later, she pouted, “Alright, I was thinking about wanting a third child anyway.”

At which Jared immediately perked up, “Are you serious?”

She hesitated at first, but then confirmed with a shaky smile. “Well, yeah. What do you think?”

“Honey, I'd absolutely love to have another kid.”

And so, on the 5th of May, 2021, Allison Mary Padalecki was born, happy and healthy, much to her parents' and older siblings' joy. Not to mention Uncle Jensen, who was just stoked about another baby girl in their extended family; a little sister for Julia, his and Danneel's only daughter, to dote on, because Julia had been as excited about her faux little sister as they all were. She spent her evenings falling asleep with her head cradled against Genevieve's pregnant belly, listening to the heartbeats of the new baby.

Years went by, spent with their family and kids and guest roles on TV. 

In 2027, they were offered to join the cast of a remake of the 'Ghostbusters' movie, in a cameo that only the few loyal Supernatural fans that were still out there and weren't busy growing up, having kids themselves, would get. They didn't see much of their fanbase nowadays; the fanbase that once earned the title of a cult. Conventions had died out some three years after the finale of the show. Misha attended a few more for another year, but since then, things had quieted down.

Jared kind of missed it, but then he looked at his kids and thought it was worth it. They had long since stopped counting whose kids where whose. The kids all grew up together, with Hayley as the oldest, always ready for pranks and shenanigans, but also the first to grab Sean and protect Ally from everything the big bad world might throw at them. Valentin, Misha's son, was about Julia's age and the two constantly had their heads together to get back at their adopted older siblings.

Life, Jared thought, was good.

In the early 2030s, Misha found his way onto a Netflix show as a regular director. Jensen had made himself a name as a voice actor – just like Papa Ackles, Jared used to think, who had passed away two years prior – and even dubbed movie voices these days.

Jared himself had long since stopped acting. His family was more important at the moment, and Genevieve enjoyed her job. Especially after a great lead role had come along, which suited her perfectly but left her more often in Vancouver than in L.A.

“Dude, didn't we want to open a winery once?” Jensen asked him one day over breakfast at his place, Ally running in from the bathroom and stealing some strawberries off his plate on her way to school. Jensen, used to it, didn't even bat an eye. “Don't forget your calculator again, you've got a test today!” he reminded her instead.

“Got it!” Ally confirmed with an enthusiastic nod.

Jared smiled. “Did you take another look at the equations like we discussed yesterday?”

“Dad,” she rolled her eyes. “Of course. They're easy.”

“That's my girl,” Jared said and ruffled her hair, much to her dismay. “Go on then. Take care on the transrapid train.”

“Yes, dad,” she smiled, a bit unnerved like she was every morning after he said that, although she was still fussing over her perfect hairdo. Her hair was the same chestnut brown as Jared's, and she tended to wear it in a loose, low ponytail.

“And don't get caught up with Jessica again, your test is first thing in the morning, so don't be late,” Jensen added.

Ally rolled her eyes again. “Yes, Pops.” A habit she had picked up from Julia so early in her life that they could never break her from it.

“Good luck,” they both added simultaneously, only sharing a short, amused grin at the realization.

“Thanks!”

And with that, Ally was out the door.

Jared shook his head and chuckled. “So, what were you saying about the winery?”

“Well, we wanted to open one, like, a decade ago. No, must've been longer. Season eight or nine-ish.”

“That's almost two decades,” Jared noted.

“Damn, we got old,” Jensen grinned at him and took a sip of his coffee.

Looking at Jensen, recently having turned 58, made Jared notice a few things. The fine white hair at his temples had turned to broad stripes, the salt'n'pepper hair vanishing in his still light brown hair on its way up. His freckles were as prominent as ever under the hot Californian sun, and even though the crinkles around his eyes and the laugh lines around his mouth and nose were deeper, he was still the most beautiful man Jared had ever met.

“Yeah, we got old,” Jared ran his hand through his own thinning hair, shorter now than he had had it just a few years ago. He didn't fear going completely bald, but a soon-to-be half-bald head was undeniable at this point.

For a moment, Jensen seemed to ponder. He did that sometimes, ever since he and Danneel had broken up in mutual agreement after 24 years of marriage, because they had become more friends than lovers over the past years. They simply had drifted apart from each other. Jared thought Jensen had found himself again, sometime during the past two years of living with him and Ally, but sometimes this side of him still shone through.

Ally was the only child who hadn’t left for college by then. There was no way she would look any further than California once her time came – not for another three years, thank god, because Jared wasn't willing to give away his little princess just yet. Ally had always been her dad's daughter.

They've been through much together, Ally and him.

When Ally had barely been four years old, Genevieve was diagnosed with a small tumor in her left breast. It required surgery and chemotherapy, and long hours of staying at the hospital with her had put Jared as much to the test as Genevieve. While Sean and Rose were old enough to get what happened and handle it more or less well, Ally was scared and clung to Jared even more than she had before.

And while Genevieve fought the good fight, with Jared, her unmovable, solid rock at her side, clutching a scared girl to his chest, they both hardened. Not towards each other, but towards life.

Two years after Genevieve's diagnosis, Jared first thought he felt something shifting between them.

Another year later, after her treatment had been over for two and a half years and the doctors were absolutely sure about her improving condition, Genevieve sat him down and explained why she wanted a divorce.

“You've been the best husband I could've wished for,” she had said with tears in her eyes. “And god knows I don't want to lose you. But cancer just makes you put your life into perspective, and I realized that something needs to change.”

Jared had listened, crestfallen, while Genevieve clasped his hands and explained, quietly, that she wanted more out of life. That she wanted to go out there, go for bigger roles, but that she also loved her family, and in thinking this over again and again, had realized that she couldn't do this to Jared – “half-assing this marriage”, as she put it, was a waste of Jared's time. She had laughed bitterly at that.

The sad part was, Jared had secretly known, had felt the distance between them, all through the past year, and it was far from a surprise to actually hear it.

Not much changed, except that Genevieve was away more often, but Jared was more than happy to take care of the kids. He had Jensen, most of all; Danneel and Misha and Vicky, too. And they made due. They always had.

Genevieve still technically lived in this house, this house that had become so much more than Casa del Padalecki in L.A. It was the place where their kids had grown up, rolling around in the grass in the back yard while playing with the dogs – four, at the best of times. It was the place where they celebrated Ally's sixth birthday while all her older siblings were already in their teens and thought they were way too cool for kid's birthday parties. Danneel made them sit down with her anyway, and each one of them was more uncomfortable than the last to admit that he or she secretly loved every part of it.

Ally, needless to say, had the time of her life, since she got to sit on Hayley's shoulders and play bongos on her head. Actual tambourine included.

Jared saw it like it was yesterday instead of eight years ago, the kids running through the house and making more noise than any of the adults found bearable, but dealt with nonetheless.

Then Jared looked across the table and found Jensen's eyes glittering at him with an amused smirk. “You're doing the secret remembering thing again,” he snorted.

“Yeah, I was,” Jared sighed and picked at his pancakes. “And I love this house, you know, but maybe it's time to look for something smaller, more... something more us. Let's face it, when Ally goes to college, there's not much tying us to L.A. anymore, so why not try something new? The winery was a good idea once, and I still think it is.”

Jensen smiled, then, warm and bright and like the rising sun. Jared ducked his head to save his eyes and looked at the screen built into the surface of the table, starting a search for old wineries around L.A.

They were lucky. Within half a year, they found a mostly abandoned, but beautiful Tuscan-style winery in Temecula Valley. They rebuilt and refurbished the whole place, made it theirs – their house, their winery, their home.

Five years down the road, with the winery running smoothly and operating in the black, they made it their permanent instead of weekend home. By then, Ally was off to Cal-Tech for her degree in industrial chemistry.

Misha and a lot of other old friends made it a habit to visit for wine tastings and long evenings spent on the front patio, which afforded a wide look over seemingly endless vineyards in the warm, Californian sunset. Tom Welling was still residing in L.A., as was Mike Rosenbaum, and although they had gotten older and were also more settled, they did enjoy a fine drop of wine every so often. There were a bunch of old friends from the Supernatural cast – Rob, Richard, the two Marks, Julie, Matt, Richard, Alaina – who were regular guests, as were Danneel and Genevieve and their kids, when they weren't somewhere across the country or the ocean.

Shortly after Jensen hit 65, he was diagnosed with testicular cancer, but because of the finally implemented health care for everyone and the early stage it was diagnosed in, he only had radiation therapy and half a year of heavy meds to endure.

Old wounds had been ripped open by that, mostly on Jared's part. While he was there for Jensen every step of the way, he feared that history would repeat itself. Feared it every time he brought Jensen to the hospital for a check-up or a routine control. Feared it every time the doctor called them into her office to update them on Jensen's condition. Feared it every day when they sat down for breakfast.

Until Jensen flinched visibly at the worry and sorrow he caught on Jared's face in an unexpected moment one day.

“Jay,” he began, his voice pained and his own eyes taking in Jared's shrunken-in posture, hunched in on himself and waiting for the blow to come.

But then, one of the most amazing things in Jared's life happened. Jensen just got to his feet and hugged him – despite the pain in his left leg, a by-effect of the radiation therapy and his old baseball injury. The hug was tight and too forceful, saying all the things Jensen couldn't say in that moment.

Really, all Jared needed to hear at this point was what Jensen narrowed it down to so perfectly. 

“I would never.”

That day marked not only the beginning of a much more confident time in Jared's life, but also of Jensen's rapid return to health. Years later, it was still unbelievable to Jared how he could have ever doubted Jensen like that, but then again, it had been a very stressful and hard time for both of them.

After that, there wasn't much that shook them at all anymore.

Not the fact that Jensen was developing a heart condition that required a daily dose of pills, that his knee caused him more pain and problems every day, that they both could barely move in the morning – Jensen because of his back and knee, Jared because of his rheumatism and the two disc prolapses he had.

They lived a secluded and quiet life, an hour and a half's drive away from good old L.A., but far from a lonely one.

Jared and Jensen had each other, and together, they got old. Old, happy and content.

When Jared got up in the morning, left his room to find Jensen fumbling his thick glasses – age had provided him with another visual impairment, and this time, he had no intention of getting laser eye surgery – onto his nose, his white hair disheveled and his t-shirt wrinkled, stumbling into the kitchen and towards the coffee machine, he knew that he had done nothing wrong in his life.

Nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

The soft hum of the buzzing biophysical alarm is what wakes Jared up.

As soon as the room system notes that he's awake, the gentle sounds stop. It's an old alarm, one that Jared got from his daughter about ten years ago. She keeps insisting he should get a new one, one that's able to wake him subconsciously – because that's what science has managed to develop in the past years – but Jared likes this one.

It's not like he still has one of those annoying, beeping alarm clocks that are at least thirty years old. It's not like he's Jensen.

Speaking of which, Jared might have a slight hearing problem with his right ear, but he still can make out the ear-shattering beeping sound from Jensen's room next to his.

With a fond huff, Jared sits up carefully in bed, straightening his limbs and working out the stiffness in his joints. His rheumatism is acting up again, and everything pretty much hurts, but he's had worse days. Unbelievable, to think there was a time when he got up two hours earlier every day, just to go on an hour long run with his dogs.

These days, he's happy to get up, take his usual load of morning pills that the automatic dispenser beside his bed provides, and not have to stumble down the stairs in pain.

The room system has opened the roller blind in the meantime, and Jared blinks into the soft, warm orange light of the rising sun shining into his room. 

Jared yawns as he gets to his feet and scratches his belly. The door to Jensen's room is still closed, but the beeping has stopped when Jared passes it to enter the bathroom and relieve himself. He goes through his routine while watching the news in the monitor set into the mirror like he does every morning.

The EU is having trouble with Russia again, it says. The usual trading issues, because some things never change, and even a century after the Cold War, people don't just forget things. All European states merging into the EU was a frightening thought for both the US and all Asian countries once, but now it's common as ever to hear it – after barely six years.

Jared takes his dentures out of the cleaning system and sets them in, grinding his jaws so they settle. He should finally get a pair of those that you can leave in, like Jensen has.

“Morning, Jay,” he hears from the door, and smiles at Jensen when he walks past him, one hand idly stroking Jared's back. 

After rinsing his mouth with water, he answers, “Good morning. Sleep well?”

“Yeah, yeah. Just, the usual, you know.”

Jared smiles sympathetically. “I'll give you a back rub later, alright?”

“You're the best,” Jensen sighs and smiles with anticipation. “Just, let me finish my business and make me breakfast first?”

“Will do,” Jared answers on his way out of the room. “But only because it's you.”

“Close the door,” Jensen yells after him, amused, and Jared does.

The stairs are as much a pain in the ass as they are every other day, and Jared's burning joints in his knees and hip are complaining painfully. But he bites his lip and works through it, just as he does every day. As long as he can walk the stairs once in the morning and once in the evening, there's no need to think about taking the bedroom downstairs. And as long as Jensen, with his already replaced and now bionic knee joint, who's four years older than Jared and nearing his ninetieth birthday, can climb the stairs, so can Jared.

Ally tells him he's too stubborn for his own good, but she’s one to talk. She's only half his age and her children are keeping her on her toes.

Jared finally reaches the kitchen and takes the already brewed coffee from the machine – the thing is ancient, but it makes better coffee than all the perfect automatic ones out there, and Jensen likes his drip coffee more than any fancy whipped stuff anyway. Jared also likes to cook breakfast manually, their eggs sunny side up, the work distracting him from the remaining stiffness in his hands and elbows.

Jensen joins him when the frying pan is hot enough to crack the eggs into it, and it's like every morning in the Ackles-Padalecki household. He grabs for his usual white ceramic mug of coffee that Jared always places right next to the sets of cutlery on the table, already having stirred in a spoonful of brown sugar and letting it cool for a few minutes so that Jensen can drink it straight down, let out his obligatory moan, then join Jared at the stove.

“Take your meds?” Jared asks, just like every morning.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” Jensen answers, like every morning, and grabs the container in the cabinet above the coffee machine. Julia offered to buy him one of the dispensers that Jared uses too, but he's rather fond of the old 7-days-a-week-4-pill-containers-a-day thing. It has sentimental value, Jared knows, because he got it for Jensen back when he was diagnosed with cancer and suddenly had to take too many meds a day to be able to keep track of which to take when.

The eggs are done by the time the rolls in the oven are, and Jensen is busy cutting an apple into pieces. It's their usual shared breakfast desert.

Jensen meets his eyes, catching Jared with a gentle smile on his face. “Hey, you wanna have breakfast out on the porch?”

Jared hums and takes a look out the window. It's early in July, it's not too hot outside yet, and the sun is just rising. It's perfect for breakfast outside.

“Yeah, sounds good. Now where did I--”

“--stash the breakfast tray? Here,” Jensen replies with a fond wink of his own, reaching for the tray that's leaning against the side of the fridge.

That's another thing that Jared always forgets and Jensen remembers it for him.

“What would I do without you?” Jared grins.

Jensen mirrors the grin, crinkles and laugh lines cutting deep into his cheeks and around his eyes. “Take your plate and cup to the porch one at a time?”

“Probably, yeah,” Jared laughs even though it's not that good a joke. He's just happy to see Jensen like this, content and smiling that still beautiful smile of his.

Jensen helps him stack the food on the tray, and takes the two cups of coffee to the porch door, setting them down on the living room table to open the wide, floor-to-ceiling sliding doors. They sit down in their old and well-used porch swing, locking the joints so it doesn't move, and dig into their breakfast in silence.

It's peaceful out here, no sound from the highway that runs just behind the next hill.

Jared immediately corrects that thought, because they wouldn't hear anything from the road if it ran practically beside their house and he's still not used to it. Ever since gasoline-propelled vehicles of all kinds had been banned from the streets in 2038, and the transrapid trains had become a huge improvement on public transportation, there's barely an electronic wheeze to be heard.

Instead, the clear air is still and already warming up to a hot summer's day, the sun bathing the vineyards around the house in a bright light that's gonna make for a great Chardonnay this year. A few workers are already walking through the vines in the distance, tending to the plants, watering and cutting them. The garden around the house is taken care of by a gardener that comes around once a week. 

Some things will never be able to be replaced by machines, Jared thinks in amusement. Also, he likes their gardener. She's a nice kid from a few miles over, her parents running a winery themselves. Jensen likes to spoil her with baked goods, because he picked that hobby up years ago, but there's only so many muffins and pies the two of them can eat.

When Jared looks over, he finds Jensen munching contentedly on his eggs; cutting the egg white off and saving the yolk for last as usual. In-between, he takes bites from his roll or sips from his coffee, and Jared takes note of their knees bumping together under the table.

Just like every morning.

“Dude, do I have something on my face?” Jensen jokes when he catches him.

“No,” Jared says thoughtfully, searching Jensen's face. Deep wrinkles line his mouth and eyes, lines of worry and of joy, of years spent in happiness and years spent in sorrow. Jared's been through it all with him, the good times and the bad times, and he suddenly has a thought that just demands to be spoken aloud. “I just realized that if I'd die today, I'd die a happy man.”

Jensen startles and puts down his fork and knife. “You hate it when I talk like that. So stop it.”

“Yeah, I know. It's just, we've been through so much. And it was a great life we got to spend together,” Jared states with emphasis.

“And you know what?” Jensen points his index finger at him and fixes him with a sharp gaze. “It's not over. I sure as hell don't want it to be over for at least another ten years, provided we stay healthy and all that.”

“No, I don't want that either, don't get me wrong. But I'm happy, you know. With you, like this,” Jared adds, and Jensen looks at him funny.

He seems confused, one eyebrow raised on his forehead. His hair is brushed to the side, which he has done for at least fifteen years now, ever since he grew tired of styling his hair every day. There's still the Jensen underneath that Jared met over 60 years ago in an audition for a TV show, but it's this Jensen, right in front of him, that he's grown old with.

Jared huffs, “And now you're going to tell me that I'm-”

“A sap,” Jensen chuckles, interrupting him.

“Yeah, that's what I was about to say.”

“Love you, too, Jay,” Jensen adds quietly after a short, quiet moment. “And I wouldn't know what to do without you either.”

Jared blinks and takes a deep breath, trying to calm down the ball of feelings threatening to burst in his chest. “Sap,” he says a bit shakily, just to set the record straight.

“You love it,” Jensen shoots back, then turns to finish the last of his fried egg.

Jared can't help it. It's been decades since the last time these feelings had bubbled up to the surface, but they've been there for an equally long time before that. Seeing Jensen like this, smiling secretly to himself, watching Jared in amusement, like he knows exactly what he's thinking – which he might, since Jensen knows Jared better than anyone – is tugging a heartstring that Jared thought he had long since cut off.

The string that leads to things he never wanted to admit out loud. Things like wanting to kiss Jensen, wanting to show him just how deep his love for him runs. Jared had decided to not do that a long time ago, simply because there were things he couldn't risk, and Jensen's friendship was one of those things.

“Earth to Jared?”

“Yeah?” Jared blinks, slowly finding his way back to reality and to a grinning Jensen only inches away from his face.

“I asked if you're okay,” Jensen obviously repeats, only half amused and half worried.

“Yes, I am,” Jared reassures him immediately. “More than okay, actually. Everything's fine.”

“Uh-huh,” Jensen throws back, unimpressed. He's still leaning in way too close, eyes focused on Jared's, then slowly sliding down to his lips.

Suddenly feeling self-conscious, Jared releases his bottom lip from where he's been biting down on it, and watches something flicker in Jensen's gaze.

Before he knows what's happening, Jensen leans up and places a too quick, almost hesitant kiss onto his lips that tastes like egg yolk and salt and pepper.

“What was that?” Jared asks breathlessly, when Jensen has turned to look out into the yard again.

He shrugs. “An apology. A thank you.”

“A thank you,” Jared huffs. “Don't think you'll get away with that.”

“I won't?” Jensen throws back with a cheeky and daring undertone that makes Jared want to kiss him again.

Jared looks at him, to find him with crinkles of amusement around his eyes and a gentle smile on his lips. He can't help it; the urge has been there for too long, and now that Jensen went ahead and -

Jensen _kissed_ him.

And it's like a dam has broken within Jared, because he grabs for Jensen's face with both hands, cupping his cheeks and kissing him open-mouthed and tenderly. They've been starving for it, clearly, neither of them having had a relationship in the past thirty years – not since their divorces and since they moved in together, and the urge for companionship was satisfied with or without physical affection with their cohabitation. The kiss isn't perfect, but it's a statement Jared has wanted to get out there for too long to bother with finesse.

When he pulls back, Jared says, “ _That_ was a thank you.”

“For what?” Jensen asks immediately. His cheeks are flushed and his chest is heaving with deep breaths.

“For everything. For spending your life with me, even if...” Jared trails off, strokes Jensen's face affectionately, the implication clear. 

“Hey, easy, tiger. It's not like we still haven't got a couple years to look forward to.”

Jared sighs. “Yeah, I know. That's the part where the apology comes in.”

With a wistful smile, Jensen kisses him again, quick this time, just a dry press of lips, but perfectly slotting against Jared's. “We sure wasted a lot of time.”

“Yeah, I guess six decades is a long time,” Jared chuckles.

“And yet, we're still here.”

Jared hums and pulls Jensen into his arms, enjoying the feeling of Jensen's warm body so close to his, his arms curled around Jared's waist, chin resting on his shoulder. “Sorry for not telling you sooner. I never would've guessed that you felt the same.”

“You know, I'm familiar with that chain of arguments and the accompanying pros and cons list.”

Jensen's hands are a warm weight against Jared's aching shoulders, running down his spine and back up to rest on his upper back.

Jared leans back, and Jensen reluctantly has to lift his head from where it was buried in Jared's neck. Hope and disbelief and so much love is shining in his moss green eyes, a smile playing around his lips.

Out of impulse, Jared kisses him again. And again, and one more time.

When the comedic, if kind of sad, value of the situation gets through to both of them, they end up laughing, wheezing, gasping for air in each other's arms.

“Let's not waste another second,” Jared sums up their unspoken thoughts when they're both halfway to gathering themselves.

“No,” Jensen says, his eyes shining, laughing from his chest, deeply happy.

Jared can't remember make-out sessions on the porch being so enjoyable. He doesn't even mind the pain in his joints as much, the hormones circling through his body and the adrenaline pumping through his veins taking it away.

If they were just a few years younger, Jared wouldn't hesitate to throw Jensen over his shoulder and carry him to his bedroom, where he'd have his way with him. Just a few years back, that would've probably taken up hours of their time. But right now, Jared is content having Jensen at all; having his love and affection and being able to hold his hand. It's funny how priorities shift over time.

They take their empty plates and mugs back inside after another half an hour, when the sun starts to get dazzling.

The time before lunch should've been spent with laundry duty, but instead they find themselves kissing each other stupid, Jensen wrapped up in Jared's arms on the couch. His wrinkles are soft under Jared's fingertips, and he still can't believe that this is happening right now.

Jared tells him as much, and a giddy laugh escapes Jensen's lips. Lips that are still as full and tempting as they were all those years ago. He kisses Jensen quickly when he notices him staring.

“Can't say I can fully wrap my mind around it yet, either,” Jensen admits, his smile blinding.

Jared is caught in the green of his eyes for a moment, taken by surprise by the overwhelming onslaught of feelings – joy, happiness, love – washing over him. “God, I love you,” he eventually states emphatically. “And I'm gonna say that every day for the rest of my life now, at least twenty times a day. Just to make up for what I've-”

He's interrupted by Jensen's laughter, clear as a bell, making his heart swell impossibly. “Jared,” he says softly as he cups Jared's cheek and strokes it gently, “You never needed to. I knew, ever since I met you. And it didn't matter if it was platonic or romantic, because you were you, and I never doubted for a second that you loved me with all of your big, stupid heart.”

And well, maybe something is in the air, dust or pollen, because Jared feels a prickle in the corner of his eyes. Jensen's eyes widen when he notices, and they suddenly seem glassy before he buries his head in Jared's neck again.

“Hey, don't,” he whispers into the sensitive skin below Jared's ear, pressing close. His voice sounds shaky, and Jared tightens his hold around Jensen's back.

“I can't help it,” Jared coughs into Jensen's shoulder, feels how the first tear is slipping down his cheek. “And I'll still do it, you know. Tell you that I love you, every day from now. I love you more than anything in the whole world and I can't imagine what I'd do without you.”

“Ssh, Jared. I'm right here. And I will be here for a little while longer, don't worry.”

“I love you,” Jared chokes a bit, his voice breaking mid-sentence from a sob.

“I love you, too,” Jensen answers, earnest and heartfelt, and obviously fighting back tears now.

The confession, finally outspoken in the right context, makes Jared feel eternally grateful that he's allowed to experience this.

His back is cramped against the armrest, one of his legs thrown over Jensen's, and for a moment he wonders what their sex life would've been like.

“Hey, which one of us do you think would've been the top and which one the bottom?” he asks lightheartedly in an effort to lift the heavy mood they've fallen into.

“I'm older, so I would've been the top, obviously,” Jensen takes the out for what it is, rubs his cheek against Jared's and bumps their noses together affectionately.

Jared smirks. “Plus, you would've been way too worried about your manliness at first, and I'd have taken one for the team – taken it in the ass for you, from you – but once you'd have worked out a couple things, we would've tried and switched things up a bit. And I bet you'd have secretly loved it, and that's how that ended.”

“You have this all figured out, don’t you?” Jensen shakes his head slowly and clicks his tongue.

“Just thinking out loud.”

Jensen's reply is a dip of his head to nibble up his neck and down his jaw line, soft lips grazing over Jared's barely-there stubble, and a roll of his hips down against Jared's crotch.

Jared sighs with pleasure and disappointment. “Hate to break it to you, but we really missed that boat. Even if I could get it up, like, with a little help, I don't think it'll be a pleasant experience with your knee and hip and my joints.”

Jensen laughs at that. “Yeah, I guess. I'm just teasing. Wondering what it'd have been like.”

“Let me assure you, I was a joy to roll around with in the sack.”

“I'm sure you were,” Jensen nibbles at his lower lip, kissing him deeply yet again, before adding, “Then let me assure you, I wouldn't have been able to keep my hands off of you. Like, when you were in your mid-thirties? That was a very hard time for me. You were testing my willpower constantly, even though I knew on a rational level I didn't want to risk Danneel and Julia. Loved them too much for that.”

“So you're saying, you felt that... that chemistry we had from the beginning?”

Jensen nods solemnly, but he adds, “Doesn't matter now. We didn't do anything about it ages ago, and in retrospect, I wouldn't change it. We spent long and happy years with Danni and Gen. We have a bunch of great kids and grandchildren--”

“Great-grandson on the way, too,” Jared throws in with a little smile at the thought of Rose's daughter, Nicole, who was pregnant with her and her husband's first baby.

“That, too, yes,” Jensen mirrors the smile. “And can you imagine what it would've been like? Filming ten years of Supernatural while dating?”

“We've never had a problem with living in each other's pockets,” Jared points out.

“No, but... relationships are stressful, you know that. Friendships are, too, but what if we had to worry about more than just whether or not we'd still be friends at the end of the day?”

“We fought like... one time, and that was in season one,” Jared raises an eyebrow, unimpressed. “We'd have worked it out. Still, I get what you mean. Filming was hard enough most of the time. Having children was hard enough, but they're the best thing that ever happened to us.”

Jensen huffs wistfully. “What do you think they're gonna say when we tell them?”

After thinking of Hayley and Sean, who'd probably had a bet running about this very thing for the last few decades, Jared's mind quickly drifts off to Julia, who had a long history of not keeping secret what she thought of her dad and his best friend's living situation and adding some good-natured innuendo. She'd implied often enough that they were like that one aunt almost everybody had; the one that lived with her best friend for forty years, never married, never had children, and yet never outwardly said they weren't a lesbian couple. They always laughed it off as the joke it was, even though a huge part of it rang true.

Jared thinks of Allison, sweet, loving Allison, who would call them a couple of dumbasses and probably shed a tear or two. He chuckles, Jensen joining in, but doesn't answer his initial question. They know that everyone around would be fine with it.

Misha, who's nearing his 92nd birthday now and who's still as active and fit as he was when they first met him – Jared remembers him talking about running a marathon just a few months ago – would probably just give them an “I told you so.”

The thought accompanies Jared through the rest of the day, that their family and extended family is such an accepting, open-minded bunch of amazing people. That they're loved and cherished and that there will be tears of happiness, no matter from whom, when they tell them that they found each other, late as it may be.

Surely it's nothing that's considered taboo or frowned upon, these days. The way they grew up, though, was different. Texas was the last state to allow same-sex marriage, and it took them until 2031 to make it happen. It needed a new generation of politicians, that's how deep the outdated beliefs ran in their home state. Of course acceptance and tolerance had increased over time, but thinking back to their time on Supernatural, Jared doubts that they would've outed themselves back in the day. Too many risks involved with typecasting and their public image.

It's laughable, Jared thinks when he stands next to Jensen at the stove, watching him fry some steaks for lunch as he cuts some basic vegetables for a salad. Today, these things are as normal as being straight. It isn't even talked about as LGBT rights these days, they're the same rules and laws for everyone, and they don't need to be separated or mentioned on the side. Children grow up thinking that everything is okay and normal, and actors don't need to hide who they are and who they're with.

They've come a long way, truly.

Jared catches himself at the thought that he'd have a hard time of convincing a, say, forty-year-old Jensen of his love and that he should be with him. Jensen has changed a lot, too, but he's always been the one person Jared couldn't imagine living without.

Jensen takes note of his pondering face, scolds him for it, then kisses him breathless right there in the kitchen with his back pressed against the counter. They almost burn the steaks, but it's totally worth it.

In the afternoon, they finally head down the hallway to the laundry room, catching up on their chores from midmorning, but they do them with a grin and good-natured, teasing quips that are just a bit more laden with innuendo than they usually are. There's also a lot more kissing and groping and hugging involved, and they need twice the time than they usually need.

Jared feels like a teenager in love and it's making his head spin.

When they sit on the porch later, Jensen with his glasses on his nose and his e-paper in his lap because he's old-fashioned like that, Jared has a hard time even tearing his eyes away from him. The awning with the integrated photovoltaic power system shades them from the relentless Californian sun as it does every day, casting a soft shadow over Jensen's freckled nose, and Jared just can't get enough of him.

“Lifetime changing revelations aside, Jared, at least let me read the news in peace,” Jensen finally sighs with a nudge against the side of Jared that's leaning against him.

Jared sighs, kisses him on the nose, and turns to his holograph screen that Sean got him for Christmas last year. He whirls his hand around the interface, browsing the internet for everything and nothing, even looking for matching rings at one point.

Jensen notices it, mumbles “Sap,” and keeps on reading his paper.

Jared just smiles to himself.

They tire early in the evening, after another hour spent on the couch and only getting up to have a simple dinner, which is not uncommon for them either. Sue them, they're old.

Jared feels the glass of wine he's had more than he lets on when he makes his way up the stairs in pain – seriously, he needs to talk to Hayley, or probably Sean, they're good with that kind of stuff, to get them one of those lifts – Jensen behind him, one hand on the small of his back, supporting him just like he'd done since the rheumatism started to get worse, some fifteen years ago.

Just like every evening, they step around each other in the bathroom with practiced motion, and end up standing in front of their bedrooms without a clue about what to do.

“Your place or mine?” Jared eventually grins.

Jensen takes his hand, squeezes it and pulls him towards Jared's own bedroom. “Your bed is bigger.”

They slide under the comforter and let the room system do the rest – close the roller blind, dim down the lights, the barely audible hum of the sound system playing a calming song. The bed is pre-heated, which is heaven for Jared's aching joints, and he thanks Jensen every day for having the great thought of suggesting one of those beds for him.

It's strange and new and exciting to sleep beside someone else again, even though they often enough fell asleep together on the couch, or on the hammock in the garden. It's new because it's deliberate, them sharing a bed as a couple, as lovers, and Jared kisses Jensen long and lovingly before even thinking of saying good night.

“I could do this all day,” he sighs. “Can't get enough of kissing you.”

Jensen answers with a smile and a hard press of his lips against Jared's. “I can relate.”

It's not until another half an hour of necking, bickering and teasing, both with words and with their hands and lips, until Jared finally says with his eyelids dropping closed repeatedly, “Let's sleep, we'll have all day tomorrow, and the day and the month and the year after that to continue this. And I fully intend to make use of them all, just for the record.”

Jensen chuckles. “Good night, Jared. Sleep tight.”

“Good night, Jen. You too.”

After Jensen rolls over, his face towards Jared but leaving a few inches between them so they still have some space to move, he adds softly, “I love you. With all my heart, forever.”

This time, Jared doesn't call him a sap. The moment is too solemn, too precious for that. So Jared takes Jensen's hand and entwines their fingers, letting them rest between the two of them. “I love you, too, with all my heart and for the rest of my life.”

They fall asleep holding hands, foreheads not quite touching, in Jared's bed, and Jared's last thought is that he's the happiest man on earth.

When Jared wakes up, it's to the usual buzzing of his alarm. The room system has already opened the blinds and lets the dim light of the rising sun in.

Jared yawns and stretches as usual before he notes that he's not alone in bed, for the first time in a long time, and the feeling makes him giddy with excitement. When he looks over, Jensen is still asleep, not responding to the alarm. Not that that's a surprise, since he's used to his ancient, shrill beeping one. Jared smiles to himself.

Jensen looks so peaceful like this, his face burrowed in the pillow and the blanket drawn up to his shoulders. It's a thing of beauty, seeing him slumber the morning away like this, and Jared almost wants to join, except that it would fuck up his sleeping schedule and his already stiff joints.

He watches Jensen sleep for just a few more moments before he decides that the inevitable has to be done, meaning waking Jensen.

“Jensen,” he calls out softly, clearing his throat afterwards because it's rough from sleep. “Hey, sleepyhead, time to get up.”

Jensen doesn't react, and Jared thinks he's maybe going a bit deaf, too, these days.

“Jensen!” he repeats, louder, and places his hand on Jensen's shoulder, the blanket separating his skin from Jared's hand.

There's still not a flinch, not a flutter of his eyelashes, not a single snort or a “Lemme sleep, c'mon, five more minutes,” Jensen's favorite retort. And Jared has tried waking up Jensen often enough – at home, in his trailer back on set, or when he fell asleep on the porch swing – to become suspicious.

“Jensen?”

Jared cups Jensen's cheek, and it's cold to the touch, colder than sweat-damp and AC chilled skin should be. Suddenly, Jared notices a couple more things. Jensen's jaw is stiff, his lips too much on the blue side, and his skin, even dipped in the warm light of sunrise, is death-pale.

At the realization, panic hits Jared like a freight train.

“No, no, no, please no, this can't-” he starts mumbling as he shifts onto his knees, ignoring the sharp, raspy pain shooting through them, “God, don't let this be happening.”

Jared cradles Jensen's neck, searches for the pulse point.

Nothing.

He presses harder, but there's still nothing. Jensen isn't breathing, obviously, and how couldn't he have noticed before?

He pulls down the blankets hurriedly, shouts “Call 911!” to the house system, and tries to get Jensen onto his back so he can administer CPR.

Jensen – Jensen's body – is almost unmovable, and Jared has the added disadvantage of old age and weak muscles and rheumatics. It takes him three tries and has him panting harshly, crying out in desperation, cursing and screaming, but he can't quite make it. When he gets him halfway turned over, he tries to open Jensen's mouth, blow air into his lungs, but his jaw won't open and Jared doesn't want to hurt him.

However, he already sees the dark red and blue splotches on Jensen's side, and tears of desperation and helplessness start blurring his line of view. Livor mortis, his brain supplies unhelpfully, and Jared feels something within him crack, the truth already settling in, even though Jared fights it all the way.

Luckily, the emergency doctor is there within two minutes, and Jared silently thanks the modern ways of technology, of hover shuttles and subsonic speed. “What's his condition?”

“I don't know,” Jared chokes, ignoring the obvious with will of iron. “I found him like this when I woke up” - a look at the clock - “almost six minutes ago.”

The doctor has rushed to Jensen's side while Jared talked, his assistants making noise in the hallway, probably setting up a stretcher and equipment. He checks for vital signs – breath, pulse on Jensen's neck and wrist – but then just rubs his hand over his face, his eyes sad and weary.

“Pack up, guys,” he says softly to the guys in the hallway. “We're too late.”

“What do you mean you're too late?” Jared almost shouts, his voice sounding too high-pitched to his own ears. “Do something! Save him! Zap him or something, there's gotta be-”

“I'm sorry, Mister...”

“Padalecki,” Jared says quickly, pleadingly.

“Look,” the doctor says, gesturing for his helpers to wait at the door.

Jared doesn't quite see him through the flood of tears. He tries to keep them back, but they keep rolling down his cheeks. Right now, the emergency doctor is just a bright red and yellow blur in front of him, and Jared couldn't care less.

“I assume he was your husband?”

“Not quite, but same thing,” Jared replies. “His name is Jensen. Ackles.”

“Alright. Listen, Mr. Padalecki. I know you don't want to hear this and you want me to do my job, but I can't help you, here. Mr. Ackles died at least five hours ago.”

“Five hours?” rushes out of Jared, and he feels his chest constrict, the adrenaline making him dizzy.

“Judging by the state he's in, yes,” the doctor nods. “We'll need to take him with us for an autopsy, if you're okay with that.”

“I-- I can't believe this,” Jared stumbles, clutching his head as a sob wrings its way out of his chest, “He can't be, I mean, you really can't do anything?”

“I'm sorry, Mr. Padalecki, I am. But there’s nothing I can do. And I'm so sorry for your loss.”

Jared looks over at Jensen's unmoving, pale face, the dark red shade forming under his shoulder blades, the blue lips, and something deep and essential, something life-defining breaks within him. Strangely, it makes his tears dry, and he sits up straight in bed.

“What do you think it was?”

“Going on a hunch here, to be honest, but did he have a heart condition?” the doctor asks.

Jared looks at the pill dispenser on the bedside table, even if it's his own. “For over twenty years, yes. So, heart attack?”

“Very likely,” the red blob that was the doctor a few moments ago shifts into focus to reveal a short African American man. He wears a buzzcut and no beard, and his dark eyes are too wide and too sympathetic.

“But how could I have... I slept right next to him! How could I not have noticed?”

“Well, to keep it simple, there's heart attacks, and there's heart attacks. He didn't necessarily experience any pain – and that would've been strong enough to wake him, which I guess would've woken you, too. So I think it was simply sudden cardiac death.”

Jared wills the rational part of his brain to process and then phase out the onslaught of feelings that make his own heart clench painfully, make his stomach twist in ways that Jared had last felt at the news that his mom had died, twenty-three years ago.

“So you're saying...” Jared trails off, unable to turn his head and look at Jensen's lifeless – dead – body once again.

“My theory right now is that he fell asleep and his heart just stopped,” the doctor finishes Jared's thought. “He went peacefully and painlessly.”

“But what if... what if I had noticed, what if I had-”

A hand lands heavily on his shoulder, and a soft voice starts to rumble. “Mr. Padalecki, don't even start thinking these things. They won't make it easier. At his age and with a previous heart condition, it's unknown if he would've even responded to the defibrillator. And even if he had, and that's a lot of ifs already - and we'd taken him to the hospital, he'd have been in pain and god knows how long it would be before he’d experienced a second heart attack. Don't you think that falling asleep beside the person you love and leaving this world without pain is not that bad in comparison?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Jared mumbles meekly, wiping his tears off with his sleeve.

“So, I'd suggest you say your goodbyes, and then we’ll take him with us to the hospital,” the doctor advises, his voice still even and calm. Thank god for little things like these, Jared thinks.

The doctor leaves the room, closes the door behind him, and Jared stares at it for the next minutes.

He's frozen, unable to move. Even turning his head around or stretching out his hurting legs is too much. It's like the world is spinning on without him and standing still at the same time. Jared's world, as he knew it, is devastated.

Jared's world is gone.

After another few minutes of staring, he does finally manage to look at Jensen – one last time, he tells himself – but can barely make it for a second.

This can't be real, none of it. Jensen will open his eyes, greet him with a lazy grin, any second now, yawning and stretching out on the bed beside him. He'll have that twinkle in his eyes, that glance that Jared saw so often. It'll happen any second now, Jared knows it.

Except it doesn't, and Jared eventually gives up, calls weakly for the EMTs.

“Do you have family you can call?” the doctor asks him, watching him carefully. “Do you need help? I can send someone from-”

“No- no, I mean, yes, I have family,” Jared stutters. “I'll call them right away.”

They take Jensen, and Jared is still too shocked to look. It's a haze of red coats and distinct rattling noises and a zipper, and the eventual silence is deafening.

Jared stares out the window for a while.

Then he calls Allison.

The next couple of days pass by in a blur.

Jared remembers talking to their extended family, accepting condolences and giving them out in turn, his voice robotic, his emotions dulled. Ally had checked back with his doctor and he's on increased pain medication now, just to make it through the day. There was a coroner, a couple days ago, and a priest, who wanted to know all kinds of intrusive things about Jensen that Jared didn't want to think, much less talk about.

It brings up too many memories that Jared can't deal with. Memories of meeting him, working with him, living with him. Loving him. It's all too much, and he eventually sends the priest to Allison and Danneel.

He gets Jensen cremated, because that's been their running gag ever since Supernatural. _When I die, you better make them salt and burn me._

He remembers standing at the freshly dug grave, which immediately brought him back to their younger days and how often they got to dig up graves during the show. That even makes one corner of his lips twitch. Beside him, there's Danneel and Julia, both with reddened, swollen eyes and tear tracks down their cheeks. Misha and Vicki are there, too, and they look just as wrecked. Hayley is repeatedly shaken by harsh sobs, not even her wife's arm curled around her shoulder able to calm her down.

Jared can't cry.

He hadn't been able to, ever since that first outburst after he found Jensen.

He hadn't even been able to cry when he told Ally about what had happened the day before Jensen died. She hugged him tightly and cried enough for the two of them, telling him again and again how sorry she was for him.

That it's unfair. Everything. The world, life, and the universe.

That it's unfair that Jared has to stand beside Jensen's ex-wife at Jensen's funeral, as a best friend, and not as a husband.

It's not right, and it's not fair, but that's life.

Ashes to ashes, the priest says.

Jared doesn't say a word, not until Ally brings him home.

The house is empty, feeling cold although it's the middle of July, and has felt like that ever since Jensen left.

Ally has been staying with him for the past week, but she's not slapping him lightly on the butt to get him to move out of the way to the toilet in the morning. No, she says, “Dad, may I...?” and Jared leaves in silence.

He misses the stupidest things. Jensen's beeping alarm that always woke him up if his high-tech thing managed to fail him. Jensen's pill container in the kitchen, which almost makes him turn around and ask, “Jen, isn't it Wednesday? You haven't taken your pills in the last couple days!”

Except that Jensen isn't standing behind him, watching him cook scrambled eggs for breakfast as per usual. And he won't ever be standing there, leaning against the counter with his coffee mug in hand and a tiny smile on his face ever again.

Jared can't sleep in his own bed, because it reminds him too much of Jensen. He can't sleep in Jensen's bed, because it's Jensen's. And so he sleeps on the couch and his body hates him for it. It's not like he sleeps much these days anyway.

Jensen's e-paper is still lying on the coffee table, his slippers are thrown haphazardly under the couch, one barely sticking out. Jared hasn't been able to move a muscle during the past few days, much less take the time to clean up. It was just a matter of living through another day, going through the motions.

And now Jared stands in the middle of the living room, looking at the paper and the slippers and a used white coffee mug crusted with brown, dried coffee lines, and just stares as he feels like another crack is splitting his heart open.

“Dad-” Ally says from beside him. Jared didn't even notice her stepping up to him. Her tiny, delicate hand lands on his shoulder, squeezing it in support.

“I miss him so much,” breaks out of Jared, eventually. “I miss him like I lost a limb.”

“I know,” Ally replies meekly.

The crack in his chest widens, Jared feels it. It's huge, gaping, letting the feelings bleed into him, into every muscle and bone of his body, and Jared allows it to happen. It's a far shot from the physical pain he knows and has known for years. The pain that spreads through him is crippling with its emotional strength. It's stabbing fast and white-hot behind his eyes and it's making him collapse against the back of the couch.

Ally is immediately at his side again, her arms clutching his shoulders. “Dad? Dad!”

“It's alright,” Jared presses through his teeth. “It's alright.”

There aren't tears at the corners of his eyes. He wants to cry, he does, but he can't. His eyes are burning just as his insides are, rage and disappointment filling him, and there's a void in his rib cage that threatens to cave in on itself at any second. Jared wants to kick and scream and curse everything to high heaven, but his throat is constricted and he can't breathe.

“Dad, what's happening? Can you breathe? Do you feel pain in your left arm?”

Jared huffs bitterly. “No, nothing like that. Just... Jensen.”

He turns towards the door to the porch on instinct, expecting Jensen to poke his head into the house at the mention of his name.

Jensen never comes, though.

Because his ashes are buried in the little cemetery in Temecula, and Jared's brain is playing tricks on him.

“I think you should go outside, get some fresh air, Dad. If you're sure that you're not having a heart attack right now?” Ally asks with emphasis.

Even if it was a heart attack, Jared wouldn't care. He doesn't even know what to do without Jensen, how to live in their house and how to manage their winery alone. He doesn't want to know, if he's honest with himself. He just wishes – no. Jared shakes his head, shakes the thought off. He shouldn't think like that, and Jensen wouldn't have wanted that for him.

So he takes a deep breath, opens the door to the porch and wanders out into the garden on wobbly legs. The early afternoon air is humid and warm, making Jared's dark suit from the funeral stick to him with moisture and sweat as he pads through the soft grass. His eyes are drawn to his favorite spot in their garden, although everything seems a bit blurry. The big apple tree a few feet away from the house was already old when they bought the winery. It had a swing attached to one of its larger branches, with a cracked, thin wooden board and old ropes that were frayed at the top end, where they chafed against the bark of the tree.

Jensen had taken it down soon after they moved in, built a sturdier double-layer board and attached it to new ropes. Their grandchildren had loved to play out here, had bet on who would be able to swing up high enough to reach one of the other thicker branches of the tree, while Jared and Jensen sat on the porch and watched them with fond, proud smiles.

Now, Jared sits down gingerly on the weathered wooden board, careful to go easy on his aching joints. He's too tall for the swing, so his feet are firmly on the ground, and Jared entwines his fingers in his lap, looking down at them.

His skin is wrinkled, age marks covering the back of his hands. They remind Jared of Jensen's freckles, which he had literally everywhere. The most prominent ones were on his nose, and Jared never got to kiss them the way he always wanted to.

“Fuck,” he manages to choke, then buries his face in his hands.

The darkness allows him to see Jensen's face, his smile gentle and fond when he tells Jared that there's nothing he could've done, that he shouldn't worry. That they'll see each other again, somewhere, somehow.

And that's just it, and Jared's heart breaks a little more.

Finally – fucking finally – the tears start to drop. The first ones are almost forced, stinging as they roll down Jared's cheeks, salty when they reach his lips. Tears of desperation are the ones that follow, before angry sobs take over. Jared feels rage towards the world, the unfairness of it all build inside him. The void in his chest is filled with resentment and anguish, demanding to be freed, to be let out into the world.

“How could you do this to me!” he eventually shouts up into the branches of the apple tree. Not that it could answer, but it feels good to let it out. Jared searches for more words, searches for something to say, but is at a loss. It's too much, everything.

He leans his head against one of the ropes, stares at the lawn and lets the tears flow, lets them cleanse him and clear his thoughts. With his eyes closed, Jared tries to dwell on the memories of their last day together – of Jensen's lips on his own, of Jensen's hands on his body, of Jensen's tender words.

_I love you. With all my heart, forever._

Those were Jensen's last words to him, before he died a peaceful, and, as the mortician confirmed, painless death, knowing that he was loved in return. It's a lot more than most people can hope or wish for, and yet Jared can't help but feel selfish.

He wants more than that. More than a day after a lifetime.

“Tell me your story,” a voice interrupts his thoughts. It's calm, rich and dark, and female, and Jared knows immediately it's not Ally.

When his eyes fly open, he sees a woman he doesn't know leaning against the fence behind the apple tree, her arms rested on the top plank of it, her hands loosely entwined. She's African American, or at least partly, her dark skin tone contrasting perfectly with the colorful dress she's wearing. Her hair is braided in a neat Rasta hair style and gathered in a ponytail low on her neck. It's impossible to guess her age.

“Who are you?” Jared asks, his voice rough from the tears and cracking mid-sentence.

“Does it matter?” she smiles, open and friendly, and Jared's instincts tell him to trust her.

He can't even be mad at her for being on their property, because there's a path running by their house, and it's the one she's standing on.

“I guess not,” Jared answers, “but why would you want to hear my story?”

“Call it professional curiosity.” The smile on her face is unwavering, and it makes Jared feel a little better. “Also, it sometimes helps to talk to someone who isn't involved in the whole mess.”

“True,” Jared huffs, watching her closely. She's waiting patiently, without pushing him in the least. Not even her leg is jittering. Jared realizes he hasn't seen that calm stance in a while, everyone around him seemingly watching him like a grenade that might go off any second now.

“You lost someone,” she states after a minute of silence between them, a minute where Jared is wondering where he should start. “Someone important.”

Jared nods, thankful for the opener. “My best friend. My lover. Love of my life actually.”

“What happened?”

“Sudden cardiac death. He had a heart condition. The morticians said that even if they could've gotten him to the hospital in time, assuming I'd woken up and reacted fast enough, at his age and with his condition, he wouldn't have survived the cardiac arrest. As it was, we went to sleep that night. I woke up the next morning, he didn't.”

“What was his name?”

“Jensen,” Jared sighs, the name still ripping up fresh wounds. His heart hurts, physically and emotionally.

She listens with an intent look on her face. “How long have you been together?”

“Not long enough,” Jared replies sharply on instinct. “We spent our whole life together, but we only knew about our feelings for a day. If that's not bad karma or the universe punishing us for something, then I don't know what could be.”

“You're angry.”

“Yeah.”

She tilts her head and narrows her dark brown eyes, assessing him carefully. “If you had the chance to start over, would you live your life differently?”

“God, yes. Of course,” Jared answers quick like a shot.

“Because there might be a way that I can make that happen.”

For a solid second, Jared stares and gapes at her. “Lady, this is not a good time to joke around with me,” he warns, taking a breath to continue, but she interrupts him.

“I'm not joking. I'm saying that I see a lot of pain and love in you, both emotions connected to Jensen. And I'm offering to give you a second chance.”

“And how could that possibly work?” Jared snaps.

“You've been on a show about the supernatural for ten years, don't you believe in at least one thing or another that happened on it?” she raises an eyebrow with a smug expression.

Jared shakes his head in irritation. It's been decades since he's been recognized as Sam Winchester. “How do you even know that?”

She shrugs, leans back from the fence while holding herself upright by her hands. “I know a lot of things. Trust me. I am able to send you back.”

Jared pulls himself to his feet by the ropes of the swing. “Again, who are you?” he asks as he walks towards her.

“Again, does it matter? It matters that I'm not kidding. If you don't believe me, turn around and look.”

When he does, Jared finds a person clad all in black laying face-down on the lawn, the swing still moving back and forth above the unmoving body. It takes him longer than a moment to recognize it's him.

“That's me?” Jared looks at her in confusion. “I'm dead?”

“Not quite. You still have a choice, to return to this life, go back in time, or die in peace.”

“Then send me back,” Jared demands, suddenly taken by a rush of adrenaline and excitement. If he can see himself, like an out-of-body experience, if he's like a spirit, then at least some part of Supernatural was true. Then this second chance could truly be more than empty words offered by a figment of his imagination. “Send me back to that day where I met Jensen at the audition.”

“Honey, that's not how it works. It'll be a little later than that. 2020 sound good to you?”

“Anything,” Jared breathes out heavily, and finally turns his back on his own dead body.

“Alright,” she says. “Be careful and don't step on the wrong ants.”

Then she presses the tips of her index and middle finger to Jared's forehead, and the world turns black.


	3. Chapter 3

_They say that when you die, your life flashes before your eyes and you relive every moment of it._

_But there's also a chance that you're just reliving the life you wanted to live._

When Jared wakes up, the world is blurry and hazy, and yet way too white.

There's also a dull pain throbbing in his spine, in his left arm and left leg.

Part of him is aware that he can't move, but it's not the rheumatics morning stiffness that he's used to. It's not painful, not particularly at least. It's more like his limbs are heavy and don't want to cooperate with his brain.

Slowly, Jared adjusts his eyes, blinded by the ceiling light and the sheer whiteness of the room, and eventually realizes that he's lying in a hospital bed.

_Oh, so that makes sense,_ he thinks. _I fell off the swing. That woman was just my imagination after all, and Ally found me and brought me here. Probably passed out._

His view clears a bit more, and Jared takes note of a small cupboard to the side, with all kinds of instruments and... doctor stuff – looks like they gave him pain killers, huh – on it. The door is green, standing out starkly against the white furniture and white walls and white everything surrounding Jared.

There's a person on the other side of his bed, sitting on a guest chair with their face covered in their hands. The light brown hair looks familiar, but Jared can't put his finger on it. It's short, and the rest of the person, as much as Jared can make out with his wacky eyesight and the distance, looks like a man. His jacket is way too old and out of style for an apparently young guy, though, and it reminds Jared's of Jensen's favorite jacket, the one he got to keep after Supernatural and wore for the next five years.

Suddenly, the hair and the jacket and the person, the pieces of the puzzle, slot together in Jared's brain, and the result is making his heart skip a beat.

“Jensen?” he asks in disbelief, and it comes out as a rough whisper.

The man lifts his head, his eyes puffy and red, and wipes over them with the back of his hand. “Jared, hey,” he answers tiredly and tries to smile, but fails terribly.

“ _Jensen_ ,” Jared says again, on the exhale.

It's Jensen. About forty years younger. Surely post-Supernatural but still... still alive.

“You're alive!” Jared exclaims with relief, feels how an incredible load is taken off his mind.

Jensen chuckles bitterly. “Says the one in the hospital bed. God, Jared, you scared the crap out of me. I'll kill you if you ever try that again.”

“You do that,” Jared answers, so stunned he wouldn't move even if he could. “Now come here and hug me, I can't move.”

“Yeah, they pumped you full of morphine, I guess,” Jensen laughs, but bends over him to wrap his hands cautiously around Jared's torso and squeezes him. His hands are cold where they brush over the cotton of Jared's hospital gown.

Jared somehow manages to raise his hand with the IV stuck in it and curls it around Jensen's waist. His head is pressed into Jensen's neck, and Jared takes a deep breath, smelling clean sweat and old spice and _Jensen_. A goofy grin spreads across his lips at the realization that this is real, that Jensen is here, that he can smell him and feel the rasp of his stubble against his face.

He's completely lost in the moment, and Jensen's words only catch up to him once Jensen pulls back to sit down again. “Morphine? Why?”

“You were in a car accident, Jay,” Jensen says, his voice thick with concern as he leans his elbows on Jared's bed, twisting his fingers around. “In case you haven't noticed, your left leg is broken in three places and you took a hit to the head that left you with a heavy concussion. The doctors said the pressure on your brain was increased, and you were knocked out in an administered coma for three days. It was touch and go for a while there.”

Jared swallows heavily. “Oh.”

“Yeah,” Jensen nods, lost in thought. He lets his chin drop onto his chest and takes a deep breath.

On a whim, Jared uses his only working limb and reaches for Jensen's hand to close his fingers tightly around it. Jared locks eyes with Jensen over the short distance, his green eyes filled with both elation and sorrow. He looks like he's on the verge of tears.

“I'm not going anywhere, Jen,” Jared reassures him softly, the feeling of losing Jensen all too fresh in his mind. Seriously, how did he get so lucky to get a second chance?

“Yeah, I... I knew you'd pull through. Just, scared the living shit out of me,” Jensen coughs, squeezes Jared's hand back before he lets go and reaches for the button on Jared's bedside table. “We should call the nurse, tell them you're awake.”

Jared nods. Jensen's right; all his selfish feelings to hog Jensen now and never let him go again are misplaced in this moment.

The doctor and the nurse come in not a minute later to check his vitals and the cage around his left leg, something that makes him look almost like he's part cyborg. Jensen steps out for a minute and lets them do what they need to, but it's enough for Jared to miss him already.

By the time the doctor tells him that he's lucky he’s awake and that he'll need to stay in the hospital for another three days before they'll release him, Jensen is back, and Jared takes a deep breath.

“Gen will be here any minute now,” he says with a smile, “she's already on her way.”

Jared blinks, then runs his thumb over the base of his left ring finger. He's still wearing his wedding band, and isn't that an odd feeling. It feels like it's been thirty years since he wore it.

The realization makes him look at Jensen more closely. The gold wedding ring on his left hand is easily spotted, and for a moment Jared wonders which year it is, how old they are in this reality. Whatever happened to dreamland, to the other world, his first life, he only vaguely remembers a car accident some five years after the show ended. A truck had crashed into his car, and didn't the doctor just say something about that? He should've listened. Then again, the morphine was making him dizzy and all of this is a bit much.

But in the other world, he had walked away from that car accident with a bruised knee and a light concussion. A miracle, according to everyone. So apparently, this must be the turning point in his life.

And the strange woman in his back yard did say something about 2020, he remembers now that he's thinking about it. He was so quick to agree to her offer that he didn't spend a second thought on the details of the deal. Briefly, the thought of whether or not he sold his soul for this hits him, but he quickly dismisses the it.

Jared looks at Jensen again, and this time, Jensen looks worried. “Are you alright?” he asks.

Biting down on his lip, Jared shakes his head. “Not really, no.”

Because if this is five years after Supernatural, if this is 2020, and he wants to make a difference this time around, then some things are messed up already.

Right in that moment, the door to his hospital room opens with a soft click. The younger versions of Sean and Rose run towards him, overjoyed to have their daddy back, and tumble onto the bed to hug him with delighted squeals, Genevieve barely having time to shoo them away from Jared's broken leg.

For a few moments, Jared wonders what's missing, what's wrong about all this, and then it hits him like a punch to the gut.

Allison.

He and Genevieve don't have Allison yet, and if he screws this up, then she'll never be born.

Jared gasps for air, disguises the shock that must show on his face behind Rose's little body, who curls her hands around his neck and cuddles into him. She's his little girl, and he loves her, but the thought of never having Allison slays him, makes hit gut churn and his heart drop.

With a look at Jensen, Jared wonders if it was worth it, agreeing to the offer that might have only been a near death experience after all. Jensen gives him a worried look, and Jared mouths a _We'll talk later,_ over Rose's head.

Genevieve hugs him tight and kisses him on his lips, and Jared just feels horrible, because whatever happened in those three days that he spent in a coma, or in the other world - it changed him.

It changed his feelings about both his wife and Jensen, and it's not fair to either of them. It changed how he looked at the rest of his life.

Even though his leg is trapped in some kind of weird stabilizing cage, Jared feels his feet itch. He needs to get out. He needs some space for himself. He just needs a lot of time to think about all of this.

He hasn't felt this confused since freaking high school. No, scratch that, since meeting Jensen at the audition and thinking he'd turned gay right there.

A week later, Jared is sitting on his front porch with a cup of coffee and the paper in his hand, somehow finding it weird to read a regular newspaper again. They managed to shift the filming schedule of Genevieve's show around so that she could take two weeks off, and Jared is grateful to have her around.

The only problem is that he feels like an absolute and utter dick. He tries to behave how he always did, but no matter how much he tries to hide it, his life just came crashing down on him. He hasn't been married to Genevieve for decades and living with her, being with her, is difficult to wrap his mind around.

Genevieve, of course, notices, but she also thinks the accident is the cause for how he behaves.

He's too quiet and he knows it. It's so out of character for him that it wouldn't need Genevieve or even Jensen to recognize it. Jensen did pick up on it, in fact. When they found some time alone during Jared's last day at the hospital, his painkillers reduced to the absolute minimum, he just offered, “You know you can talk to me, Jared. Anytime, about anything. Right?”

Jared nodded, and his voice sounded weird when he answered, “Yeah, I know. And I will. It's just... something happened to me, you know, in that coma. And when I'm ready to talk, I will.”

“That a promise?” Jensen asked, hiding the seriousness of his words behind a tiny, lopsided smile. He looked so beautiful, and Jared wondered how he was able to ignore that for so long.

“Promise,” Jared squeezed his hand to reassure him.

Genevieve interrupts his train of thought by flopping down onto the porch bench beside him, her own mug of coffee in hand.

“The kids won't be home from school until four p.m.,” she says and sips at her coffee, smiling up at him.

A long, long time ago, that was code for “We have all day to have sex,” but Jared is so not in the mood right now, even though they could probably find a way to work around his cast.

He hums noncommittally.

Genevieve sighs beside him and when Jared turns towards her, she looks sad. “Look, baby, I know what happened to you was hard, but... you know you can talk to me. So, please, just... let me in, let me help.”

Jared sees the worry and the concern in her eyes, and he knows why he once loved her. In the other world, he never stopped being friends with her even after their divorce. They stayed close. Jared wouldn't know where he'd have been without her.

But that's just the thing, it's been so long since he loved Genevieve.

She's wonderful and funny and she's the mother of his kids and all of this isn't fair. Also, he can't 'half-ass' this marriage, as she so perfectly said it in the other world.

He turns away to hide the tears welling up in his eyes and clears his throat. “It's just some kind of funk. The accident and all, you know. I just need to sit it out.”

The point is, he can't remember anything from the accident. It's like it was decades ago, not barely two weeks. It's like he actually lived those 84 years in the other world. Except that it was maybe just a hallucination. A hallucination that is about to ruin his life.

Gen wraps her arms around his neck, shifts closer so she can cuddle into his chest, and they fit as perfectly as they always did. She's a warm and comfortable weight against him, and Jared holds her close and tries to tell himself he's not the biggest asshole on earth.

But he can't get Jensen and Allison out of his head.

In the other world, he learned to live without Genevieve – well, technically - but he died trying to get through a week of living without Jensen.

Genevieve leaves two days later, and Jensen comes by with Julia at his side to help him around the house and bring the kids to school together.

Around Jensen, it's somehow easier.

Not that the thought isn't constantly whirling through the back of Jared's mind – _he's married, you're married, you've got kids._ But on the other hand, he has the picture of 88-year-old Jensen stuck in his brain, who kisses him like he's drowning and Jared is the last breath of air he's going to get.

Jared cringes at the thought, because death analogies are still a sensitive spot.

But around Jensen, it's easier to pretend. He's lived with Jensen before; in the other world, it'd been nearly forty years. He knows Jensen like he knows no one else in this world, and he also knows that he's in for a talk when Jensen shows up one evening when the kids are already in bed and hands him his one allowed beer for the day, then sits down on the couch beside him.

“So,” Jensen starts and takes a sip from his own beer. He leaves the sentence open, gives Jared the opportunity to talk if he wants to.

“So,” Jared replies petulantly and picks at the label of his bottle. It's just like Jensen to notice how he almost began to spill the beans in the kitchen earlier. Because if he's honest with himself, he's been ready to talk for a while now, at least partly. Maybe it's been like that for a day or two, but his inner coward and his inner unable-to-keep-a-secret-keeper haven't decided who has the upper hand yet.

Jensen waits, patiently sitting beside him, calm and relaxed and with way too much affection shining in his eyes. He doesn't push, doesn't demand, he's just there.

A warmth spreads in Jared's chest, a warmth he's only felt in those last days before Jensen's death in the other world.

“I had a near-death experience,” Jared finally says on the exhale, just to get it out of his system.

Jensen nods, seemingly not surprised. “I figured. Do you want to tell me about it?”

Deep green eyes shine with sincerity and concern and Jared has the sudden urge to throw Jensen down onto the couch and kiss the breath right out of him. His fingers itch, and he holds his bottle tight in both hands to restrain himself.

“I'm not... I don't think I can talk about the details yet. But I saw my life, you know, flashing before my eyes. All of it, like I lived it, until we both were old and wrinkly,” Jared manages a short smile, then adds more quietly, “Until I saw you die.”

At that, Jensen's look sharpens with understanding. “So that's why you said 'You're alive' when you woke up in the hospital?”

“Yeah,” Jared finally drinks from his beer. “It felt so real, you know. Like it's really been forty years, not just... a dream. It's like I've seen an alternate reality.”

“Do you believe something like that exists?” Jensen asks, raising an eyebrow.

Jared shrugs. “Maybe. After all of this, I'm seriously considering it.”

Jensen hums thoughtfully. “So how did I die?”

“Are you sure you wanna know?”

“If it's something I can prevent, that would maybe come in handy,” Jensen nudges him encouragingly and smiles.

_Why not,_ Jared thinks and shrugs, “Not really. You died from a heart attack in your sleep at age 88.”

Jensen seems surprised, but the smile doesn't fade. “Sounds like a pretty cool death to me.”

“Yeah, except that I found you, and I had to organize the funeral and tell everyone and...” It breaks out of Jared like the water breaking through a dam. “I never thought it'd feel like this. God, I missed you so much. It felt horrible and terrifying and... I have no idea how I could ever-”

Only then does Jared notice that tears have gathered in his eyes, his chest feels constricted and too tight, and his heart is racing a mile a minute. He barely hears the clank of Jensen's beer against the coffee table before strong arms wrap him up in a warm, reassuring hug, one stray hand taking his beer out of his hands.

“I'm not going anywhere,” Jensen repeats the words Jared already said in the hospital room, one of his hands rubbing soothing lines up and down Jared's back. “It's okay, Jared.”

Jared just clings to him as if his life depended on it, hands clutched around Jensen's shoulders instinctively and his face buried against his shoulder as the tears inevitably start to fall. Jensen's collar is damp by the time Jared lifts his head.

“Sorry,” he mumbles towards the dark, wet spot on Jensen's light blue t-shirt, then clears his throat.

“Don't be,” Jensen answers, then cups his cheek affectionately. “I've heard that these near-death experiences are scary. When I first thought that you might have had one, I did a little research, and... just don't feel sorry. If you want to tell me more, I'd love to hear it.”

“Believe me, you wouldn't,” Jared snaps.

Silence falls between them, and Jensen lets his hand drop from Jared's cheek to his shoulder.

Jared takes in the picture of his best friend – his beautiful eyes, the small bump on his nose, freckles spread out around it, his hair a little longer than he usually likes it – and bites his lip in an attempt to not start crying again.

Because it's tearing his heart apart.

He wants this, he wants Jensen, with every fiber of his being. He loves Jensen.

But how would he react if Jared told him?

They are married. Jensen loves Danneel, and Jared still loves Genevieve – like a friend. Not to mention that their kids barely started school. Not to mention Allison isn't born yet.

While pulling Jensen into another hug, which he knows is just him indulging himself, Jared thinks that this is the worst crisis he's had to work through in his life.

He can't ignore what he's been through. He can't ignore his feelings either. And somehow, he has to find a way out of this mess, or he's going to end up unhappy, frustrated and alone.

Jared isn't stupid. This was never supposed to be easy.

But the hardest part, by far, is accepting that his life is different now.

Jared is reminded of that with a metaphorical slap to the face – in the form of Genevieve calling him one evening, to announce the renewal of her show.

“It was on the verge of being dropped, but the ratings of the last episode just shot through the roof and – this is so great!” she babbles on the phone, overjoyed, while Jared tries to hide the feelings hitting him left and right.

Because he was aware before that this reality is different. In this reality, he is in love with Jensen and he knows it.

And now that Jared knows about Genevieve's show being renewed, it's clear that Allison won't ever be born in this reality. Jared is unable to do anything but sit on the couch and stare into space for minutes at a time. It's not like he didn't know he's unable to sleep with Genevieve at the moment, but to have it made so clear is devastating.

Somehow, he manages to give a few shaky comments to Genevieve about how happy he is for her getting series regular status and all, but she sounds suspicious by the end of the phone call. He's lying through his teeth and she wouldn't be his wife to not pick up on it.

When they eventually hang up, Jared just drops the phone down onto the living room table and starts to cry uncontrollably, sobs shaking his body as tears run down his cheeks.

“Jared?”

Suddenly, Jensen is there, sitting beside him on the couch, wrapping his arm around Jared's shoulders. “Jesus, what happened?”

“It's what didn't happen,” Jared sniffs and wipes at his swollen eyes with the back of his hand.

“What do you mean?” Jensen ask with a confused shake of his head.

“It's about my near death experience.”

Jensen rubs his back to comfort him and waits patiently until Jared has calmed down enough to talk in sentences of more than a few words.

“In the other world, Gen's show was canceled right about now. So we decided to have a third child, who was conceived this summer. And... Gen just called. Her show will go on, and I'm happy for her, I am, but... looks like we'll never have another baby girl in this world,” Jared once again starts to sob, can't help it. “And now I sound insane, great.”

Jensen turns to look at him, his brows knitted into a worried frown and his lips pressed to a thin line. “No, you don't. You sound like you actually lost her,” he says, then hesitates before adding, “Tell me about her. What was her name? What was she like?”

Jared frowns in disbelief at how easy Jensen accepts it, but takes the opportunity nonetheless. “Her name was Allison Mary Padalecki and she was born on May 5th, 2021,” he begins, his voice shaking and rough.

And Jensen's expression doesn't turn skeptical, he doesn't question Jared's sanity. Instead, he listens, even when Jared begins to tell him about the kinds of shenanigans she pulled when she was little, how her older siblings and her uncle Jensen protected her fiercely, and how Jensen was sure her first boyfriend was a douchebag from the moment he met him – and turned out to be right.

It's still clear as day in Jared's mind, which is all kinds of fucked up.

But no matter how all of this turns out, Jared knows that's not his life anymore, and that Allison is not part of his life in this world.

He's had a lifetime with her, or at least what felt like a lifetime.

He's still sad, but as he tells Jensen all about her, about how she was still her father's daughter no matter how old she got, he makes himself let go.

That is not his life anymore, and he has to deal with it.

If anything, this is a kick in the ass from the universe, especially when Jensen wraps him up in a tight hug, and Jared never wants to let go ever again. His heart beats too fast and he wishes he could take this further, but he knows he can't. He wants to tell Jensen everything, confess his feelings to him, but he knows he can't.

Not yet.

He needs to talk to Genevieve, but that has to wait until she's home for hiatus. It's the only fair thing he can do at this point.

The weeks after that are bitter-sweet.

Jared gets his cast off four weeks later, and Jensen is the one who drives him to physical therapy and keeps helping him at home. He still can't walk more than a few steps at a time, which sucks, but Jensen's there to support and encourage him. Jensen's smile when Jared makes it from the kitchen to the living room on his own in one go is blinding and totally worth every little stab of pain in his leg.

It's good to have Jensen around.

But to hold back from kissing him or hugging him too often isn't easy. They've always been very touchy with each other – it just always comes naturally to them – but Jared has never felt so needy, so starving for every little touch from Jensen. Every brush of his hand against the small of Jared's back when they're grocery shopping, every time Jensen's arm curls around his waist to guide him up the stairs, every little nudge of Jensen's foot when they're curled up on the couch watching TV in the evening.

It's not even about sex. Not that much, at least. While Jared does have his fair share of fantasies about the topic, there are other, more important things he'd love to do.

When he left the other world, he thought he'd just tell Jensen how he feels and everything would be alright, foolish as it seems now.

Sometimes, Jared wonders what he signed up for. Sometimes, when he's lying in bed at night, unable to sleep, the thought of telling Genevieve the truth is enough to send his mind reeling. Sometimes, he contemplates not telling her to avoid the mess that will inevitably follow. He gave her a promise after all, to stay with her, in good times and in bad, until death did they part.

Then he remembers Jensen, lying dead in bed beside him, every chance of ever making him happy gone forever.

And Jared tells himself to man up, because Jensen is worth it.

The tiny voice in his head reminds him that he's going to crush Genevieve's world, that maybe he'll even ruin Jensen's marriage, too. That it's selfish to crush three people's lives for the iffy chance of living his dream.

The other tiny voice replies that it's impossible to be happy if you're not selfish enough.

Jared never imagined it would be like this, sitting at the kitchen table with his wife in tears. Well, he knew it would hurt, but when he does tell Genevieve, it hurts more than he expected.

“Just... like that?” Genevieve says, her words slurred and shaking. “You've fallen in love with someone else after eleven years of marriage and two kids, and _that's it_?”

“Gen,” he starts, because he doesn't know what else to say. “I'm only--” Jared feels how tears are gathering in his eyes, too, and he can't help it. Kind of doesn't want to.

Because she's right. Eleven years, and just like that, everything's over.

“--Being honest, I get it.”

Jared tries to reach for her hand to squeeze it, but she pulls back quicker than he can react.

“Don't touch me,” she says sharply.

“I'm sorry. About everything. I'm sure this isn't what you wanted to hear after you come back home for hiatus.”

Genevieve only huffs sarcastically. “Gee, what makes you think that?”

Jared shuts his mouth, cradles his chin in his hand, and sniffs. Genevieve wordlessly hands him the packet of tissues, careful not to touch his hand.

The little gesture is like a stab to his heart, but Jared doesn't say a thing. He deserves to feel like this.

“Is there any way we can work this out? Counseling? Anything?” Genevieve asks after a long while of silently crying into her tissue. At least the kids are already in bed and Jensen and Danneel aren't here, either, or else somebody would probably be freaking out around them right now.

Jared shrugs. “I don't know. It's not like I haven't tried, you know, to fall... out of love or something, forget that person and... it didn't work. None of it.”

Genevieve's eyes are glassy and staring into space and Jared doesn't dare say a word.

“I'd want to fight for you, dumbass,” she says eventually. “But if you're not willing to fight, then what's the point? Me battling windmills, that's all that would be.”

“Just like I've battled windmills for years,” Jared mumbles, at which Genevieve perks up, her fist that's clutching the wet tissue dropping heavily to the kitchen table.

“Are you kidding me? For years?” she spits out, enraged.

“No, not like... listen, it's more complicated than that. And I'm not sure you even want to hear it.”

“Tell me,” she orders flatly, and Jared wants to hug and comfort her so bad, it's tearing him apart. Then again, he knows it's not his place. Not anymore.

“There have been feelings, for a while now, that I took for what they were. Friendship and platonic love. Something was there, under the surface, I don't even know, and then the accident happened... a lot of things suddenly became clear to me, while others became confusing. I just know I can't live in this... this limbo anymore.”

Jared swallows around the lump in his throat and takes in Genevieve's crestfallen posture once again. It hurts to see her like that, hurts too much, and it makes Jared almost regret everything, except that he knows there's no going back now.

“So, what, our marriage has been one big fat lie?”

Her words are as toneless as the ones before, and Jared suspects that part of her has already given up. It's devastatingly painful to see such a strong and determined person break right in front of his eyes, at his hands, and Jared can't look at her, guilt overwhelming him.

“No,” he coughs, clears his throat. “I love you. I will always love you, as a friend. You're a wonderful mom, the best wife I could've wished for, and an amazing person that doesn't deserve what I'm doing to her, and believe me, I can't put into words how much I hate doing this.”

She splutters. “Then why are you doing this? To hightail it out of here and live with _her_?”

“It's not--” Jared stops himself, looks down at his hands that are clutched together on the table. “The feelings might not even be mutual. At this point, I don't think they are. But I can't live a lie and I can't lie to you anymore.”

Genevieve bites her lip, the bottom one already bloody.

“I'm so, so very sorry,” Jared adds with emphasis, but she waves him off.

“Stop. Can you just... I don't know. Leave me alone for a while, please.”

“Of course, I'll... pack my stuff and I'll probably be at um...” And here he would say Jensen's place, but if he saw Jensen now, he might just crumble and tell him everything. Jensen is too compelling for now. “Misha's. Alright?”

Genevieve nods without looking at him, now nibbling on her fingernail.

Jared gets to his feet tentatively. “Will you call me or should I come back tomorrow or...”

“Just, please, go,” she begs.

So Jared goes.

“What did you do,” Misha asks unfazed when he has taken in the picture of Jared standing at his door, duffel bag in hand and his eyes red-rimmed.

Jared sighs. “Long story.”

Without having waited for his answer, Misha has already opened the door to let him in. Vicki comes down the hall when they reach the living room. “Hi, Jared!” she calls as she approaches them. “They're asleep,” Vicki says quickly to Misha and kisses him.

“Finally,” he snorts, amused.

With that, Vicki turns fully towards Jared, and immediately grabs his face in both hands, shooting him a worried glance. “Don't you look like you’re fresh out of a meat grinder. What happened?”

Jared ponders for a moment, thinks about how to say it the easy way. Again, there's no easy way, so he goes with the cold, hard truth. “I confessed to Gen that I'm in love with someone else.”

Vicki's eyebrows shoot up and Misha whistles. “Oh boy,” he sighs. “I'm gonna get us some tea.”

“You do that,” Vicki answers absentmindedly and pulls Jared towards the couch. “Sit down and settle.”

Jared allows himself to flop down onto the soft cushions, rests his elbows on his knees and buries his face in his hands. Tears are prickling in the corners of his eyes again.

Seriously, fuck this day. This has got to be the worst day of his life.

A clanking sound pulls him out of the quickly descending spiral of thoughts, and Jared recognizes it as the sound Misha made by placing a cup of tea on the table in front of him. Next, there's a dip of the cushion beside him, and a hand lands between his shoulder blades.

“Talk to us, Jared,” Misha says, in that almost hypnotizing tone of his; the voice that would get every secret out of their kids at any time. Not because it's intimidating, but because it's Misha at his calmest, soothing and offering comfort.

When Jared lets his hands drop, he finds Vicki sitting across the table from him, an encouraging smile on her lips that says she'll understand.

Faced with so much sympathy and understanding, the whole story just breaks out of Jared. It's like a landslide, everything losing grip and spilling out. The cleansing wave takes Jared with him and doesn't leave anything in its wake. Jared doesn't skip anything, too tired to pretend. He tells Misha and Vicki everything from the accident and the other world to Jensen there and Jensen right now.

“And now everything's a mess and she'll probably never talk to me ever again or something,” Jared finishes. “Plus Jensen will probably never...” he can't bring himself to finish the sentence, instead chokes on a fresh set of tears.

“Well, shit,” Misha sums it up and runs his hand through his hair.

“First of all,” Vicki starts slowly. “You can stay here as long as you need. Second, I can talk to Genevieve. If she didn't know where you were going to be, she'd probably have called already. Third, you'll see, no matter how this ends, it'll all work out. Granted, you didn't ask to fall in love with Jensen, because that's not how that works, but you made your bed and now you have to sleep in it.”

She gets to her feet to walk past the table and hug Jared tightly.

“Why are you even doing this? What I did, that was despicable.”

“Harsh, yes. Cruel, maybe. Mostly, though, it took a lot of courage to be honest and it wasn't easy,” Vicki answers quietly.

Her arms feel so different from Genevieve's or Jensen's or even Misha's, and the unconditional and unprejudiced warmth and comfort she provides seeps into Jared's whole body. His bones suddenly weigh too much and every muscle in his body is aching from stress and tension. Fatigue overwhelms him, and when Vicki lets go, he yawns.

“C'mon, I'll bring you to the guest room,” Misha offers and helps him up.

Jared doesn't overlook the worried gaze he shoots Vicki before they leave the room.

Jensen comes over the next day with Julia, Rose and Sean in tow, looking worried and like he's still trying to wrap his mind around what happened.

Jared is just glad for the distraction and for having his kids around. They play football in the back yard, Hayley using her advantage of height to outrun the younger ones, much to Sean's dismay.

With a cup of coffee each, Jensen and Jared watch from the bench on the porch.

They don't talk much, Jensen seeming as shell-shocked as Vicki and Misha have been since Jared broke the story to them yesterday. Jared can't blame either of them.

“So you're leaving Gen,” Jensen starts eventually, his voice too low and forced to sound neutral.

“I... yeah,” Jared nods and sighs deeply.

Jensen frowns confused. “Why? Why would you do that? You've got two young kids, you moron.”

“Because I'm--” Jared breaks off, takes a deep breath, then looks Jensen in the eye. “Because I'm in love with someone else and I can't live a lie. That's not fair to her.” His heart is beating too fast, way too fast, pumping away so loud in his chest that Jared almost can't believe Jensen doesn't hear it.

“You're in love with someone else,” Jensen asks, his eyebrows shooting up to his hairline. “Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Jared whispers, then takes a sip of his coffee.

“Who could you possibly be in love with?” Jensen replies sharply, disbelief obvious in his tone.

Jared bites his lip and doesn't answer. Not like this, he tells himself. He's not going to confess his feelings for Jensen like this. Not when Jensen is angry and all of the wounds are still fresh.

“Jesus, Jared, are you aware of what you're ruining here?”

Jared huffs bitterly. “I am.”

“And what, she's worth it?” Jensen spits.

“It's-- yes,” Jared sighs, too tired and self-conscious to set the record straight.

“I can't believe you,” Jensen shakes his head. “What the hell happened to you in that coma? Tell me, please, because I can't understand why you'd do this.”

“I can't,” Jared whispers, grimacing. “Not yet.”

Jensen takes his cup and gets to his feet. “Alright, you know what? Think about what you've done, please. Then talk to me, for Christ's sake. I'm your friend and I'll always support you, Jay, but I don't get what you're doing here, and I have a hard time believing that this is the right thing to do. If you've hit your midlife crisis, find a way to deal with it other than hurting the people you love.”

The words hit home in a way that makes Jared tear up. But what hurts even more is Jensen leaving five minutes later, taking Julia with him.

“I filed for divorce,” Genevieve tells him about a week later, then slaps a stack of papers onto the table.

Jared just nods over the cup of coffee in his hands. They're finally back in their own house. Jensen has taken over babysitting for the day so they had an opportunity to talk uninterrupted.

“But I want to be mature about it,” she adds, then. “Mostly, I don't want the kids to suffer.”

“I agree,” Jared nods again. “Also, I know it's a lot to ask for, but maybe, someday... we can be friends again?”

That wrings a bitter smile out of Genevieve. “Jared, I could never stop being your friend. I like you too much for that, and I'd miss you too much in my life, despite the fact that you so do not deserve that right now.”

“I know, and I'm sorry.”

“I still love you, you know,” she says heavily. “And it's gonna take some time to get over that.”

“For what it's worth, you still have a special place in my heart, too, Gen.”

She looks up from where she's been toying with the edge of the divorce papers, her beautiful, big brown eyes filled with tears. “Don't say that, please don't say that. Not right now, alright?”

“Alright. Sorry.”

“So, since I'll be up in Vancouver again in a few weeks, can we still manage living here together? It's gonna be easier for both of us and the kids. And I'm gone for most of the time anyway.”

“Sure. Thank you.”

She waves it off. “Just... promise me that we're gonna make it work? For the kids.”

“Yeah. 'Course we will.”

“Great.”

For a long time, Genevieve just sits across from him and stares down at her entwined fingers.

“What is it?” Jared eventually asks softly, because he knows her and there's still something bugging her that she doesn't know how to ask him nicely.

“Can I ask... I'm sorry, I just can't get it out of my head. Who is she?”

“Not a she,” Jared sighs, giving in. He's sick and tired of pretending. “It's not that easy.”

Her eyes go wide at that, and Jared sees realization and surprise in her eyes. “Jensen, then,” is all she says, matter-of-factly.

And what point would there be to deny it now?

Jared nods, unable to look into Genevieve's eyes. “How did you know?”

“No idea, honestly,” she twirls her cup of coffee around in her hands, then takes a sip. “I guess for a while now, I’ve had the feeling that something between you two was different. Thought I was just imagining things and I tried to get a grip, but it wouldn't go away.”

“Turns out you were right,” Jared gives her a bitter smile.

“You aren't happy about it,” Genevieve notes, straight to the point. “Does he even know?”

Jared shakes his head. “No. Not yet.”

Genevieve takes a deep sigh. “It'd be a lie if I said I’m thrilled about all this. But at least you were honest, and believe it or not, that's worth a thing or two.”

“I couldn't lie to you. You don't deserve that.”

“I'm glad you didn't.”

They keep their divorce on the down-low, and Genevieve is in Vancouver for most of the six months that it takes. When it's done, they share custody of the kids and the house is split up, although they decide to leave everything the way it was before.

After he realized the seriousness of the situation, even Jensen came back around to Jared. “I might not understand why you did this anytime soon, but if you need anything, I'll be right here,” he said.

Their families hit a rough patch with Jared's decision to leave Genevieve, and Danneel wouldn't talk to Jared until Christmas. To say that their friendship was a bit strained would be the understatement of the year.

They still managed to celebrate Christmas and New Year's in relative peace. Even Danneel started to warm up to him again after she saw Jared's efforts to treat Genevieve respectfully during dinner and when the presents were being handed out. And even though Genevieve was still wary, she was clearly glad to have her family and friends around.

Everything is still messed up, though, and the wounds are only slowly healing.

The kids, of course, pick up on it, and once the rugrats notice something, they won't let it go. There's a point where Jared would've needed to tell them anyway.

That point is definitely reached when Rose comes up to him after the holidays and asks if it’s true he doesn't love mommy any more.

So Jared sits them all down in the living room and explains to them how you marry someone because you love them more than anything, and that some people are actually lucky enough to find the right person on the first try and live happily ever after. Then he continues to explain how sometimes, it's better when two people split up, because they think they can make someone else happier than the person they are with.

“Do you think you can make someone else happy?” Sean prompts.

Jared opens his mouth to answer when he notices movement from the corner of his eye. When he looks up, he finds Jensen leaning in the door, arms folded in front of his chest. He's smiling at Jared, although it seems like he's lost in his own thoughts.

“Yes, I do,” Jared answers the question with his eyes firmly fixed on Jensen, and feels how something warm and fuzzy curls up in his stomach.

Jensen blinks, quickly, apparently realizing the question and Jared's reply. He swallows and pushes himself off the door frame, but doesn't leave.

That's when the kids take note of Jensen being there, and they're off to play with him.

Jensen watches him a bit too closely for the rest of the day, but his looks are far from concerned. Mostly, he's got a thoughtful frown on his face when Jared catches him staring.

“What?” Jared asks eventually, when they're doing the dishes after dinner. “Do I have something on my face or...?”

“No, no,” Jensen answers, quick as a shot.

“Then why the staring?” Jared chases with a smirk.

“What you said to the kids earlier... I didn't think you'd put it like that,” Jensen shrugs. “It was kind of sweet.”

“Well it was the truth.”

“I'm still wondering, though,” Jensen says. “Who you're in love with.”

Jared just shakes his head. “Still can't talk about it, I'm sorry.” Because he's a coward and the situation isn't right.

Jensen sighs. “Whoever it is, I'm excited to see who was worth throwing away your whole life for.”

And Jared wants to hit his head against the wall, wants to cup Jensen's face in both hands, look into his moss green eyes and kiss him stupid. Wants to scream 'It's you, dumbass!'

He doesn't do any of that. Instead, he sighs. “You'll see.”

After that, Jensen becomes quiet for days.

He tries to act normal, Jared can tell, but he also knows Jensen well enough to see when he's holding back or pretending. Jensen is a great actor, but he's got no chance in hell of lying to Jared.

Jared doesn't know if it's a good sign or a bad one.

Danneel is away in Vancouver, filming her current show. His situation would be a lot more difficult if she was here, and Jared knows that, so he enjoys their time together with the kids.

They head out to the movies with the kids one evening, Jensen orders the family ticket, and they promptly get mistaken for a gay couple.

Jared watches in amusement as Jensen stutters and mumbles his way through his usual denial, and when the cashier gets what he means, he immediately apologizes.

Jared just says, “Don't worry, happens all the time,” because it's true and takes their ticket. Then he slings an arm around Jensen's shoulders and waves for the kids to follow.

“Thanks for your help there, Jay,” Jensen hisses sarcastically into his ear, but when Jared looks over, he finds Jensen with a spark of amusement in his eyes and a smile he can hardly contain.

Jared grins and drops his arm. “You're welcome.”

And he wishes the cashier was right. He wishes he could hug and kiss Jensen whenever and wherever he wanted.

But Jensen is still clueless and married and Jared still has no idea how to tell him.

The time and place is never right, or he's overwhelmed by guilt towards Danneel, or he feels like it's not his place to drop a bomb like that on Jensen.

“How about we go on holiday when Gen and Danni are back?” Jensen proposes over breakfast three days later. “They're on hiatus soon and I think we can take two or three weeks for ourselves.”

“But... surely Danni wants to spend some time with you, too,” Jared frowns.

Jensen nods. “I already talked to her. She says that she's fine with it. Hiatus is three months, so what's three weeks in between? And she'll gladly spend some time with Julia.”

Lost in thought, Jared finishes off his scrambled eggs and bacon, then stares out the window as he chews.

“Earth to Jared?”

Jared swallows heavily. No matter how bad he still feels for Genevieve and his kids, and how selfish it is, three weeks to spend with Jensen alone sounds awesome. Plus, he'll finally have some time for himself to get his head clear. “Where would you want to go?”

“Dunno. Far away. Not like, New York far away, but, like... Europe, maybe?”

“Hm. We never actually saw much during the few conventions that where held there,” Jared thinks aloud. “Just Rome and Birmingham and a bit of London.”

“And that one time when we were in Germany.”

“Yeah, right. We didn't see much there, either. Which is a pity. I've never even seen Berlin.”

An infectious smile starts to play around Jensen's full lips. “Seems like we found our destination.”

“What, Berlin?”

“No, Germany. Maybe we can drive around a bit, France and Austria and Poland aren’t too far to drive, either, only takes a few hours.”

Jared snorts. “Right, I always forget how tiny the countries over there are.”

“So, what do you say,” Jensen opens his arms as if he’s presenting a product on the home shopping network, “Road trip through middle Europe?”

“I'm in,” Jared grins, but the grin quickly fades when he remembers an important part in their plans. “Just let me check back with Gen first.”

“Jared, that's a great idea.”

Her words are surprising, to say the least. Not that Jared expected a rant. “You're really okay with me dropping the kids on you like that?” he asks into his phone as he sits down on the bed.

“Of course I am,” Genevieve sighs on the other end of the line. “I haven’t gotten to spend much time with them lately and you've had all the work-”

Jared opens his mouth to protest, but she interrupts him.

“I know, I know, you've got Jensen, and I'm glad that he's there. Still, it's not okay for me to leave you hanging as kind-of a single parent for most of the year. So if you wanna go road tripping through Europe, I totally understand. I get that this is important for you and that you need some space.” 

Jared lets out the breath he wasn't aware of holding, then laughs softly. “Thank you, really. How do I even deserve this after all I did to you?”

“You don't,” she teases, “Now go to sleep.”

“Will do. Goodnight,” Jared says. They hang up, and only then does he realize what just happened.

Things get a bit better once Genevieve comes back from Vancouver, and Jared hugs her hello at the door.

“You're gonna love the season finale,” she grins, because Jared admitted to her over the phone about two weeks prior that he was caught up in her show again. After their divorce, he couldn't stand watching it, but he's over that. Has been over it for months now, to be exact.

“What makes you so sure about that?” Jared asks amused.

Genevieve smiles, zips her lips shut metaphorically and pretends to throw away the key. 

“Aw, come on.”

“Sorry, you lost that privilege with the divorce,” she nudges his hip with hers as she walks by with her suitcase in hand. Jared quickly takes it from her to carry it down the hallway.

The jab doesn't hurt the way Jared expected it to. It's a fact that they're ex-wife and ex-husband, and it's not like they need to tiptoe around it. It's not like they can't joke about it; not because their marriage has been a joke, but because they're adults and friends and they’re dealing with it.

Even though Jared is dying from curiosity, he can't make Genevieve tell him anything.

He starts a tickle fight with her like they're teenagers goofing around in the hallway, and the kids find them curled up on the floor with each other, leaning against the wall as they try to catch their breath from laughing so hard.

“It's good to have you back,” Jared repeats afterwards and presses a kiss to her temple.

“Right back at you,” she answers before Rose throws herself into her arms.

And that's just the point. They're good. Almost a year after their divorce, they're really good. Because during their phone call in which Jared said he was watching Genevieve's show again, she also told him that she was in a place where she was okay with what happened. That she still loved him and always would, but that they can be friends and it's going to be alright.

It's alright. Truly, honestly alright, and not surprising to Jared that they worked it out like that.

It's just that he's glad beyond relief that he has her back. Even when she was his wife, she was also always his best friend – after Jensen, that is – and he's missed her as a friend more than he could put into words.

He tells her as much, and she promptly goes in for another hug with Rose giggling between them. “Missed you, too, you big old sap,” Genevieve snickers. “How's Jensen holding up with you anyway?”

“He endures me,” Jared laughs.

“You haven't told him, have you?” she chases with her eyebrows risen with curiosity.

Jared shakes his head. “Couldn't.”

“Guess he's spending some quality time with Danni right now?”

“Yeah, he hasn't been around for the past week, like, at all,” Jared sighs.

Genevieve mirrors the sigh. “You know, I'm having a hard time rooting for anybody here-”

“I don't expect you to,” Jared interrupts and dismisses her concerns.

“Good,” Genevieve nods, then gets to her feet with Rose in her arms.


	4. Chapter 4

Another two weeks later, they finally leave on their trip to Europe, and even though they feel kind of bad for leaving Danneel and Genevieve alone with the kids, they both had been looking forward to it ever since they decided to go and started planning.

Jensen smiles to himself as the plane takes off from LAX, the sky clear except for a few clouds. Everything around them is dipped in the warm, yellow-red light of the setting sun, and it makes Jensen's eyes shine and sparkle.

Jared nudges his side and smiles encouragingly. “What is it?”

“How long has it been since it's been just the two of us?” Jensen answers, lost in thought.

“Too long?” Jared offers with a secretive smile.

“Yeah,” Jensen sighs with a tiny, private smile in return.

“Thanks for doing this with me.”

“Dude, I need it as much as you do. I mean, I love the kids, all of them. But it's no use kidding ourselves, we need a break, and we need some perspective.”

When Jared looks over, he finds Jensen with his hands clasped in his lap, his bottom lip drawn between his teeth, staring into space.

If Jensen only knew how right he is.

After changing planes in London, they arrive in Berlin at around lunchtime, which is confusing enough. They managed to sleep on the plane, but even first class will allow only so much comfort.

Jared's shoulders are cramped up, and he doesn't hold back his complaints about that. Maybe, just maybe if he complained enough-

“'m not gonna give you a massage,” Jensen cuts off his thoughts as if he can read them. Despite the harsh words, a smile tugs at the corners of his lips.

“Not even if I return the favor?”

Jensen shoots him a skeptical look and stays quiet for a moment. Then he says, “Let me think about that.”

Jared can't help it, he grins as wide as he can, feeling like the weight he brought here from back home is finally lifted off of his shoulders. When they walk towards the baggage claim area, he even dares to put his hand on the small of Jensen's back. Jensen accepts it with a small smile that makes Jared feel all fuzzy inside.

They take the subway into the city and to their hotel that's right around the corner from the Kurfürstendamm, Berlin's famous shopping mile.

They’ve only planned four days for Berlin, then they can pick up their rental car and Jensen can enjoy driving down one of the unrestricted German highways at a hundred miles an hour.

Jared's favorite part of being in Berlin is not only that the city is so different from L.A., but that there's barely any risk of being recognized on the street. They look like the average American tourists, and from what he heard, Supernatural was never that huge in Germany. Known, but not famous. Nowadays, he is glad of that.

They tick off all the important places to see in Berlin – the Bundestag, the historical building where the parliament works; the KaDeWe, a famous big store in the city center that's tiny compared to their mall at home; Checkpoint Charlie and the Alexanderplatz with the world clock. On their last day, they visit the East Side Gallery, the last remains of the Berlin Wall, and Jared ends up standing between the Wall and the river – the Spree – on a strip of sand.

“I can't believe this was once the death strip, with antipersonnel mines and spring guns and everything,” Jensen says solemnly as he looks down the river where it winds its way through the city. “Hard to believe that this was what separated families for decades.”

Jared nods, lost in thought.

“And yet, there were people who dared to jump into that river and try to swim to the other side,” Jensen continues repeating what he's read at the White Crosses memorial across the street from the Bundestag building and sighs.

Jared shrugs. “I'd probably do that, too, if it were what separated me from my family and loved ones. Or you.”

“Yeah, you would,” Jensen chuckles and raises an eyebrow. “Many of them were shot in the process, though.”

“Totally worth it,” Jared smiles at him.

Jensen wordlessly pulls him out of his depressing thoughts by his elbow, leads him back through the gap in the Wall and down the street.

When they reach the famous painting of two men kissing each other, Jensen's eyes first widen in surprise, then shift back to the guidebook in his hands.

“Says here that this painting is depicting the [Brotherhood Kiss](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socialist_fraternal_kiss), a special form of greeting between statesmen of the Eastern Bloc. These men are Leonid Breschnew and Erich Honecker,” he quotes.

Jared nods and stares.

Because Jensen looks downright adorable in his tourist get-up, with his rucksack on his back, wearing comfortable old running shoes, light blue jeans and a plain black t-shirt. A frown knits his brows underneath the worn baseball cap. As someone who's familiar with the whole Ackles baseball cap collection, Jared knows it's one of his favorites that he's had on for a lot of trips to the coffee shop back in the day. He also knows that Jensen's hair will look all messed-up and be sticking out in all directions when he takes the cap off, and the thought makes him smile.

“... and Erich Honecker was the leader of the socialist party and therefore the most powerful politician in the German Democratic Republic for almost twenty years,” Jensen finishes up what he's reading from the guidebook.

Jared can't stop staring at his lips, forming the words, his tongue sneaking out to wet his plush bottom lip when he turns the page. It's mesmerizing, the way he concentrates, and the frown just won't leave, either.

“The paintings on the Wall have been restored in 2009, since a lot of them were blemished with scribbling and graffiti and damaged by the weather,” Jensen adds, then looks up, the frown turning confused. “Jared?”

The way his lips dance around the shape of his name is making Jared's head spin.

“Hey, man, what's up?” Jensen asks and grabs his shoulder.

Jared notices it only vaguely, because Jensen is standing too close, and Jared can smell his aftershave and the kebab he's had for lunch, which is way less disgusting than he thought when he noticed all the garlic in the sauce, and something inherently _Jensen_ , and--

“Jen,” he manages, a breathy plea that's not supposed to be a whisper and not supposed to sound so damn sexual, and yet it is.

Jensen feels the shift in Jared's behavior, too, and looks him straight in the eye. “Jared. Snap out of it.”

The point is, Jared knows that Jensen is right, and he closes his eyes. Tries to block out the smell of Jensen surrounding him, tries to block out his heart hammering in his chest, tries to block out every cell in his body screaming for bodily contact with Jensen. The hardest part, by far, is convincing himself that leaning down and kissing Jensen would be the absolute worst thing to do right now, no matter how much he yearns to. Jensen's hand on his shoulder is making his skin tingle, all the way down his spine, and he has to take a deep breath to shake it off.

When Jared opens his eyes again, Jensen's eyes are as green and as unreadable as always. “What was that? Are you sure everything's alright?”

“Yeah,” Jared answers and attempts a reassuring smile. From the way Jensen is pursing his lips, he concludes that it isn't very convincing, which isn't that much of a surprise, since everything inside him wants to yell _No._

_No, because I'm in love with you, and there's nothing I can do about it._

Jensen looks skeptical, but slides his hand down to Jared's elbow. “Then c'mon, we've still got to visit the zoo,” he says and guides him down the street.

Jared only notices the remaining pictures from the corner of his eye. His focus is on Jensen, his feelings revolting inside his chest, and he feels both happy and sick to his stomach.

The happiness is so overwhelming that it makes him sick, he realizes.

There's still that other twist in his stomach, though, the one that says 'You're in love with your best friend, who's straight and married to a woman.'

But for once, ever since the accident, Jared sees it clear in front of him whenever he meets Jensen's eyes, whenever he smiles and the skin around those eyes crinkles and the laugh lines cut deep into his cheeks.

He can't live like this, he can't settle for being Jensen's friend without trying anything more. Not again. He's never been able to keep a secret for long, especially not from Jensen. And he needs to be honest, to himself, to Jensen, and to Danneel.

And even if it ends up breaking his friendship with Jensen, with Jensen telling him to fuck off, Jared can't live that lie. He'll salvage what he can, of course. If it's meant to be, then it'll work out, and if it isn't, it won't, and Jared can live with that.

They drive up to the German Sea and spend the night in a small hotel at the beach before heading over to Hamburg to see a musical there. From there on, it's a road trip to Frankfurt, Hannover and Stuttgart, a weekend spent at a wellness place in the Black Forest and a detour over to France to visit Strasbourg.

It's the third week of their trip, they've been past Vienna and Munich and the obligatory visit to the Hofbräuhaus, one of Munich's oldest beer halls, had their mug of beer and their pork roast with bread dumplings and sauerkraut each, and Jared still hasn't told Jensen.

Because he's a coward, and because he doesn't want to ruin their trip that was supposed to help them both relax.

They spend the last two days before their flight in a small town in Lower Bavaria, barely an hour away from Munich, in a lovely little hotel surrounded by rows of colorful 18th century buildings and with a stunning Gothic church looming over them. It's a picture they'd never see in the US, and the atmosphere captures them immediately.

The local church is the tallest brick building and church in the world, and they take the time to walk up the stairs all the way to the top of the church tower. At 430 feet above ground, the tower seems to sway a little, which their guide explains to their group of ten people is normal. Still, Jared can't bear to look down at the ground. It makes him dizzy, and when he shakes his head to get rid of the uneasiness, he feels Jensen's hand wrap around his waist. Jensen pulls him gently away from the railing, even though they don't have much space to move on the narrow tower top anyway, and doesn't let go of him.

His skin is tingling where Jensen touches him, gentle and comforting, and Jared's heart jumps in his chest. He looks over his shoulder to find Jensen's emerald green eyes. A frown is knitting his brows, and he's clearly worried, so Jared tries to give him a reassuring smile that turns out a bit shaky.

Jensen still doesn't let go, and when Jared risks another glance down at the ground, the height doesn't seem so intimidating any more. Not as long as Jensen is there, beside him, holding on to him.

And in that moment, Jared realizes he could do anything as long as he has Jensen at his side.

“What's that castle over there?” an older man with a thick French accent asks, interrupting Jared's thoughts. He follows the finger of the man's outstretched hand to the structure built on the hill next to the city.

“That's the Trausnitz castle,” their guide, a brunette student in his early twenties, says. “Did you know that when they built this church, they wanted to build the tower so high so they could, and I quote, 'look into the duke's soup bowl'? That's why right now, we're at the same height as the castle is.”

Jensen chuckles to himself, and Jared lets the warm rumble calm his nerves. Jensen's hand is still clasped firmly around his waist, and he couldn't give less of a fuck about what their tour guide might think.

“You should go up there, if you've got the time. There's a bus stop, or you can just walk up the... it's called Ochsenklavier, which translates to ox piano in English. Sounds stupid, but you'll get why it got that name if you see it. Back in the middle ages, they used that path to drive down the cattle from the castle. It's a steep climb, but it's worth it.”

“Hey, maybe we should to that tomorrow,” Jensen says quietly to Jared, and Jared is glad for the distraction.

“Yeah, that'd be great,” Jared answers, staring straight ahead at the castle.

“No offense, but you look a little sick,” the guide addresses Jared with a sympathetic smile. “Should we go back down?”

“Yes, please,” Jared manages to breath out hastily, and the tour guide leads the way back into the staircase. All the way down, Jensen's hand doesn't stray from Jared's shoulder or the small of his back, keeping constant contact, and it's driving Jared insane, even more than the height of the tower did.

When they're back on solid ground – or what feels like solid ground to Jared's feet – he throws his arm around Jensen's shoulders and squeezes him quickly. 

“Thank you,” Jared whispers into Jensen's ear with emphasis.

If he isn't mistaken, Jensen shakes a little under his touch, and there's a tremble to his lips when he smiles at Jared and says, “Of course,” and it doesn't make sense, but Jared gets it. He's been fluent in Jensen for decades.

In that moment, Jared decides to tell Jensen about his feelings for about the hundredth time since Berlin. He's gonna tell him. Not now, but as soon as they're alone. Maybe when they're up at the castle? It would be kind of romantic, no matter how Jensen will react. 

Maybe he'll do it tomorrow. At the castle.

Definitely before they fly back to the US.

Seriously, there should be some kind of instructions that don't come straight out of a rom-com movie, some kind of handbook about how to break it to your best friend that you're in love with him, without completely ruining everything or sounding insane.

All day, Jared has been a mess.

They've been walking around the city, down the river, the Isar, into a beautiful nearby recreational area, and all the while Jared pondered over which words to use.

The city hosts an annual renaissance festival up at the castle, which will start in two days, but they won't be around for that. They head up to look at the castle nonetheless, take the tour and have a medieval meal at the restaurant located in one of the old halls. After that, most of the workers preparing the festival have already left the castle grounds. There are old tents along gravel paths that will sell all kinds of middle ages weaponry and food.

Not even the other tourists are there any more, the grounds are almost too quiet, and Jared silently leads the way to a bench in front of the nearby castle wall. The city is spread out beneath them and they can see the river and the recreational area from here; there's a little mall in the distance and more prominently, the church that they visited yesterday towering over the beautiful old town that's glimmering with the deep red light of the sunset.

It's almost painfully romantic, but Jared doesn't say that. Instead, he inhales deeply and says, “I'm glad we came here, even though we didn't have this town on our list.”

“Yeah, it's absolutely stunning,” Jensen agrees, and the smile on his lips is a little hooded. It makes Jared wonder if he already knows that something's up. “I can't believe that our road trip is already over. It's been three amazing weeks.”

“Again, thank you so much for doing this with me.” Jared squeezes Jensen's shoulder, giving him a heartfelt smile.

Jensen's “Again, you're welcome,” is almost drowned out by the buzzing in Jared's ears, by the thumping of his heart in his chest.

The point is, there's no easy way and no right way to do this, so Jared might as well just spit it out.

He drops down heavily on the bench and focuses on the horizon for a moment. Then he takes another deep breath and says, “There's something I need to talk to you about.”

“I figured,” Jensen answers tightly and sits down beside him, his arms open and his head tilted towards Jared. “Go ahead.”

“It's still about the accident and my near-death experience. There's a very crucial point that you deserve to know.”

Jensen just nods when Jared looks up at him, strong and reassuring and looking like the news Jared is about to tell him won't be able to turn his world upside down. Jared, however, is sweating, even more than usual, and rubs his moist hands against his thighs, the motion mostly nervous energy.

“You know that you died in the other world,” Jared continues, waits for Jensen's nod to come. “Well, the day before that, we realized that we'd been in love with each other for a while. Years, actually. And basically, we were together for a day, and that's why we went to sleep together in one bed, and I found you lying dead beside me the morning after.”

Jensen's mouth opens and closes a few times, and Jared can read on his face that he wants to make a quip or something to ease the tension between them, but can’t find any words to say.

“Shit,” is what he eventually manages when he rubs his hand over his mouth.

“Yeah,” Jared agrees, staring down at his hands in his lap to avoid Jensen's worried look. “And that's what had me so completely torn and screwed over ever since.”

Jensen is quiet for a short while, and eventually clears his throat. “Why? Because you lost me specifically and that fucked with your head, or because... you know, the feelings--”

“Both,” Jared replies quick as a shot, and it's clearly not what Jensen wanted to hear judging by his grimace. “I’ve thought about it a lot during the past months. I mean, I lived what I would've deemed an ideal life in the other world. I had Gen and the kids, and even though we weren't together until the end, everyone was happy. And I was living with you, and then we realized we'd wasted so much time and... after your death, I was sure that if I had the chance again, I'd do it differently. It wasn't my perfect life anymore.”

Jensen looks at him, pleading silently for something Jared doesn't want to name. He needs to get this out, though, and he needs to get it out now.

“I feel like I've been given a second chance, and I _want_ to do it differently this time.”

“So, what you're saying is...” Jensen trails off, rubbing his hand over his eyes, something he tends to do when he's stressed. Back on set, Jeannie had reprimanded him regularly for that, because she always had to fix his make-up.

“I have feelings for you, Jen,” Jared admits quietly. “And I can't hide them anymore. They've been there for a long time, and I thought I could ignore them until they went away. I thought it would be better to not say anything. But now that I've seen what happened in the other world, I can't live that life again.”

“Jared,” Jensen groans, and there's definitely frustration and pent-up anger behind the words. “Are you aware of what you're doing right now?”

Jared chuckles bitterly and humorlessly. “Risking our friendship and maybe ruining another marriage?”

Jensen buries his hands in his face, and Jared feels horrible.

“I'm sorry for doing this to you,” he adds.

Jensen doesn't answer, just sits there with his elbows on his knees, his chest rising and falling a bit too quickly.

Patiently, Jared stares out into the world, breathes in the smell of summer and the warm sun on bakestone. His heart is still racing, but it doesn't feel like the world is resting on his shoulders anymore. Their situation has worsened to say the least, but Jared’s breaths are calmer, somehow.

“I love Danneel,” Jensen says pointedly after a long minute of pregnant silence.

“And I will always love Gen,” Jared answers. “From the bottom of my heart, as a friend. What I'm feeling for you is so much more than that.”

“So I'm the one you're in love with,” Jensen says as if he had just heard the words for the first time, his eyes wide open and fixed on Jared.

“Yes sir,” Jared confirms with a playful nod and a smile. “And I'm tired of hiding it.”

“Holy shit,” Jensen whispers, and Jared can tell it wasn't supposed to be a whisper.

“Impressed?”

“Yeah, well, that's... kind of huge. Changes a lot of things. You left Gen on the off chance that I might reciprocate your feelings?”

Jared sighs quietly. “I did, even though I know this is pretty hopeless anyway.”

For a long moment, Jensen just stares at Jared thoughtfully. “For what it's worth, I do understand why you don't want to hide.”

“How would I even be able to? Everyone knows what happened,” Jared defends himself because he suddenly feels like he needs to. “I told them, Misha and Vicki. Gen knows, too.”

“Gen knows?” Jensen asks in surprise. “Really?”

“She figured it out.”

Jensen nods, then replies, “Still, Danni doesn't know.”

Jared frowns. “Don't you think Gen’s told her by now?”

“I don't know, honestly,” Jensen sighs, slumping in on himself a bit more. “It's just... fuck, I should've seen this coming, but I didn't want to believe it.”

“Believe what?”

“That it's me.”

“You already guessed it?” Jared asks in surprise.

Jensen rubs his eyes, looking exhausted. “Well, yeah, I'm not stupid. There aren't much more people around that I could imagine you... Jesus, Jared. You don't expect me to divorce Danneel, do you?”

“No, I don't, of course,” Jared replies with a heavy sigh. “I know this is complicated. It took me over a year to wrap my mind around it. Being in love with someone who's married is hard and it always sucks for everyone involved. Again, I'm sorry. I don't want to pressure you into anything. I'm aware it's not my place.”

Jensen just hums noncommittally. He looks absolutely miserable and Jared's heart aches for him, so he adds on a whim, “Can I hug you?”

Wordlessly, Jensen shifts towards him, allowing Jared to pull him into a tight embrace. Jared knows he's indulging him, but needs the contact as much as Jared needs it right now, too.

Jensen tucks his head into Jared's neck, just like he always has when they hug, although they're obviously both aware of the connotation the gesture bears.

“It's not like I'd take advantage. Just, maybe a little,” Jared clarifies and smiles, then leans in to rub his cheek against Jensen's. “Ouch, is your beard made out of sandpaper?” he jokes.

“Regretting the falling in love with a guy already?” Jensen teases.

“Don't make me answer that.”

After a minute of silence, which Jared spends with rubbing soothing circles onto Jensen's back, Jensen retreats.

“Just... don't get me wrong here,” he says, nibbling on his bottom lip.

“No,” Jared shakes his head. “I won't, but please promise me you won't feel self-conscious around me, Jen. Please don't do that to me. First and foremost, you're still my best friend, and god knows I'd do anything not to ruin that. I won't chase you or harass you or anything. That's neither fair to you nor to Danni. But I needed to get this out of my system.”

“But I don't wanna raise false hopes or give you the idea of something that I can't follow through with,” Jensen answers honestly, and the words sting. 

“Okay,” Jared nods slowly. “Of course.”

Jensen doesn't say anything about their conversation after that, not that night, not the next morning, and not on their flight home, and Jared doesn't push.

Somehow, Jared manages to contain the guilt until they're touching down at LAX.

Somehow, he even manages to not say anything to Jensen, who has been acting like nothing happened.

Somehow, he's not nervous when they're leaving for the baggage claim area.

The silence is too heavy, too awkward between them when they wait for the conveyer belt to start running. Jensen looks straight ahead, lost in thought, and Jared quickly does the same.

“Just so you know,” Jensen starts, all of a sudden, almost startling Jared. His eyes are still on the unmoving belt when Jared turns towards him, and he seems sullen. “I'm not pretending. I'm thinking.”

“Alright,” Jared answers slowly, takes a deep breath to continue, something along the line of 'no matter how much time you need, take all the time you want', but Jensen interrupts him.

His voice his sharp, his gaze stern when he looks over and locks eyes with Jared. “And that's all I'm gonna say for now.”

“Fair enough,” Jared nods.

Truth be told, it's more than he can expect for now.

It's Danneel who picks them up from the airport, and she kisses Jensen with a delighted smile and hugs Jared.

“Gen's home with the kids,” she grins, mistaking Jared's apparent discomfort for missing his family. “How was your trip?”

Jensen starts to talk, then, but at Danneel's well-meant sentence, it's like the roof comes down on Jared's head. Sickness hits his stomach like a perfectly aimed punch to the gut, and Jared expects his knees to give out under him for a second.

What happened in Europe is going to stay in Europe, and reality is a bitch.

Also, he's a grade A asshole.

“Jared?” Danneel looks up at him. “You alright?”

Jared rubs over his belly with his left hand and attempts a shaky smile. “Just some funk from landing. Guess the food made my stomach a little sensitive.”

Jensen stares down at his feet, “It'll be better when we're home.”

“Probably,” Jared says. No, it's gonna be worse.

Because he has to live with the choice he made, and he's back in limbo.

“Hey there,” Genevieve grins up at him when he enters their home, pulling his suitcase behind himself.

Wordlessly, Jared drops the handle and lets it come to a stand right where it is, just beside the entrance door. He wraps Genevieve up in his arms, lifts her easily from the floor for a second. Her soft black t-shirt smells like the laundry detergent powder that she has always used, and Jared takes in a deep breath.

She giggles and wraps her arms around his neck.

“How was Europe?” Genevieve asks, straightening her shirt and jeans when Jared sets her back down onto her feet.

“Great, actually,” he replies, his voice an absolute mess, rough and shot to hell.

She frowns up at him, “Did you...?”

And that's when Jensen and Danneel head through the door, Jensen almost tripping over Jared's suitcase.

“Later,” Jared mumbles towards Genevieve, then pushes his suitcase out of a spluttering and complaining Jensen's way. “Watch your feet, old man,” he teases, slapping Jensen's shoulder.

“Oh, fuck you,” Jensen shoots back amused, and Jared can't help but give him a wide grin in return.

Danneel laughs behind them, but Genevieve's smile looks pinched.

“Language, Jay,” Danneel scolds her husband, “Remember, you're around the kids again.”

“They're asleep upstairs,” Genevieve adds. “And they missed you terribly.”

Jensen's smile becomes a bit wistful. “We'll make it up to them. Did they behave while we were gone?”

“Barely,” Danneel chuckles, then starts telling a story about how Julia wouldn't go to sleep one night soon after they left because daddy wasn't here, and Sean tried to convince her that their daddies were on an eighty day trip around the world like in that book, and then Rose thought it was eighty years and bottom line, the three kids were up for hours after midnight because Genevieve had to read Jules Verne's book to them to convince them that a trip around the world in eighty days was totally doable.

Jared breaks out in laughter a few times during the story, taken by surprise at their kids' antics and Danneel's wonderful way of storytelling.

The entire time, he feels Genevieve's eyes on him more than he'd like. They're burning a hole into his head, as if she wants to read his mind, see what's going on up there.

Jared doesn't so much as dare to look at Jensen, because he feels like it might all blow up in his face right then.

“You told him, didn't you,” Genevieve asks flatly when Jensen and Danneel had left, Julia sleeping in Jensen's arms as he carried her to the car.

Jared nods and sits down on the couch beside her. “I did.”

She scolds him with a sharp look. “You know you're going behind Danneel's back and you're pressuring Jensen, right?”

“Well, what am I supposed to do then?” Jared bursts out, the tension from the flight and seeing Danneel with Jensen and everything exploding in his chest. “How am I supposed to handle this the right way?”

Genevieve shakes her head and rubs her eyes.

“What?”

“I don't know,” Genevieve sighs. “But you hurt my friend. You know, I didn't tell her that you left me for Jensen, because I thought it was yours and Jensen's responsibility to talk to her. But if you're gonna be an asshole, then I don't feel obligated to keep that secret.”

“Gen--”

“No, don't,” she interrupts him, pinching her nose now. “I suffered long enough. You think it's that easy to accept that your husband leaves you for someone else? For a guy, on top of that? And now you're putting Danni in the exact same situation and you expect me to be fine with it? I thought this trip would clear your head, make you realize that you're destroying a family with your selfishness.”

Jared swallows heavily. “I was just being honest.”

“I know you were, but was this the right way to do it?”

“Is there a right way to do it? Like, wait for Jensen to realize it? That's just gonna take more time and might hurt Danni even more.”

“If he even leaves her for you at all, that is,” she reminds him harshly.

“Yeah, that too,” Jared agrees, even though the stab to his heart is painful.

“What will you do if he doesn't?”

“Then I've gotta deal with it.”

She nods, at least seeming satisfied with that. “Can you deal with breaking up a marriage that's not yours?”

“That's Jensen's decision to make, isn't it?” Jared throws back. “That ball is in his court.”

“And you think all this pressure is somehow good for your friendship?” Genevieve asks with a sharp undertone. “Really?”

“Don't you think I'm aware of what I'm risking?” Jared splutters, his patience wearing thin. “Do you think that I haven't wracked my brain trying to figure this out? I'm not acting on impulse and whim here, for Christ's sake.”

“If you think you're in the right here, fine,” Genevieve says and gets to her feet. “I don't need to agree with that. And you can't do anything about me trying to warn Danni.”

“No, I can't, and I won't. Just be aware that you're meddling with things that Jensen and Danni should figure out for themselves,” Jared puts in, tired of arguing.

While Genevieve continues to stare at him thoughtfully, he leaves the living room with a mumbled, “I'm going to bed, goodnight.”

The next day, Misha and Vicki visit with Hayley and Valentin so at least Jared can spend some time with all the kids after three long weeks of being away.

The kids are a welcome distraction, because at this point, Jared has thought his situation over and over in his head, and he just doesn't want to any more. Instead, he sits down with all four of the kids and dutifully answers all the questions they have about Europe and where he's been and so much about Uncle Jensen.

The Uncle Jensen that Jared misses so much and doesn't know if it's okay to call him.

Misha joins him and helpfully supplies the story of how he crossed the Tibetan border in a vegetable truck once, and Hayley rolls her eyes because she's heard that one a hundred times before. Rose can't hear enough of it, though, and Valentin makes shushing noises at Sean every few seconds, glaring at him so he’ll stop interrupting Misha all the time.

As it turns out, Jared doesn't have to call Jensen.

Because Jensen stops by four days later, a box of donuts in his hands and Julia by his side, and even manages a smile when Jared opens the door.

“Hey Jare,” he says, and it's like the sun is rising in Jared's world again.

“Hey,” Jared greets him as neutrally as possible, then turns to the girl. “Hey Julia!”

She flings herself into his arms with a delighted, “Uncle Jared!” and Jared picks her up. She isn't too old for that yet, but when he throws her over his shoulder in a fireman carry, she protests loudly. “Let me down!” she laughs, then tries to tickle Jared.

Little does she know that he's been tickle-proof ever since Supernatural. Jensen just grins, a small and private grin just for Jared, because he knows.

“Come in,” Jared waves, then sets the still kicking and screaming Julia onto her feet in the hallway. She promptly takes off towards the back yard, where the other kids are already playing under Misha's watchful eye.

Jensen steps around Jared, looking a bit sheepish.

“Yo Jared, who is it?” Misha yells right then.

“Jensen and Julia!” Jared shouts back.

Jensen rolls his eyes, but some of the tension has seeped out of him. His shoulders aren't as tensely drawn upwards as they were when he spotted Jared behind the door. “You want some coffee with that?”

Jared shrugs, then puts into consideration, “I'd say I'll set up the machine immediately, but you make better coffee than I do.”

“Point taken,” Jensen sighs theatrically. “At least put these away, then,” he adds and hands over the Dunkin' Donuts box.

“Gladly,” Jared chirps in an overly happy manner and walks off, smirking to himself.

He can't help it. The past days have been filled with distractions, watching the kids and doing stuff together even if it was only playing soccer in the back yard, and he's still missed Jensen something crazy.

Jensen's huff pulls him out of his thoughts. “And by 'put them away' I did not mean 'eat them all before anyone gets any, sasquatch'. We clear?”

“Yep!”

The thing is, Jared is smiling to himself. Just because Jensen's here, and god, he's about two and a half decades too old to feel like this. Even as a pubescent teenager, he didn't feel like this, so utterly smitten and crushed by his own feelings whenever he so much as looks in the direction of Jensen.

He puts the donuts onto the living room table, and by the time he's in the kitchen, Jensen is two steps behind him, sans shoes and jacket. In other words, he’s in his socks and the damn old jeans he wore during most of their holiday and a stupid, way too well-fitting gray Henley and Jared has the sudden urge to lick his face with the stubble that's almost a hiatus beard by now.

Jared reaches for the tin of ground coffee on the shelf above the machine, but Jensen takes it unceremoniously from his hand. “I thought we agreed on me making the better coffee?” he quips.

“We did,” Jared shrugs. “Just wanted to help.”

“Then get the water,” Jensen holds the coffee pot towards him, and Jared takes it to the sink.

They prepare the machine in silence and with practiced motion, working seamlessly around each other. When it gurgles to life, Jensen eventually looks up at Jared, locking eyes with him.

“So... what now?”

Jared shrugs again and sighs. “You tell me.”

“Misha and Vicki know, right?” Jensen's lips are pursed and Jared wants to hug and kiss him and wants that frown to disappear from his forehead. It takes another reminder to his subconscious that it's not his place and that he needs to focus on the question. 

“They know everything,” Jared confirms, looking at his toes as he runs them along the tiles of the kitchen floor absentmindedly. “I couldn't lie to them.”

“No, I...” Jensen sighs. “Don't get me wrong. I didn't expect you to lie about it.”

A voice from the door interrupts them, then. “Do you seriously think he would've been able to lie to us? Please, Ackles. Head out of your butt.”

“He's a good actor,” Jensen throws in with a shrug, right before Misha hugs him.

“And I know when he's telling bullshit,” he says over Jensen's shoulder with a grin.

“Language, old man.”

Despite everything that happened during the past few days, despite Jared feeling like shit and like he’s hit rock bottom, the three of them are standing there in the kitchen, listening to the whirring and boiling of the coffee maker, and smile at each other.

That's also when a small, small part of Jared's heart is convinced that there's going to be a day when all of this will have blown over and everything will be fine, no matter the outcome. He's a hopeless optimist like that.

But Jensen's smiling, too, and whenever that happened, Jared's world had always turned a whole lot brighter.

“So, any news on the Jensen front?” Misha asks, as straightforward as ever, a few days later.

Jensen is out in the back yard, playing soccer with the kids, and Jared volunteered to man the barbeque in the meantime. Beside him, Misha twirls his beer around in his hands.

“Nothing much, really,” Jared sighs. “I try to act normal and not push anything. That would be unfair to Danneel.”

“But he knows,” Misha asks, frowning in confusion, “and he hasn't regressed into his usual I'm-a-manly-straight-guy-who's-into-women-schtick yet?”

Thinking back to The Talk, Jared feels a smirk play around his lips. “Not really, no.”

“Huh. That's interesting.”

“What do you mean?” Jared shoots Misha a short look before flipping the steaks on the grill. He's staring at his beer.

“I think that he can't help but contemplate it,” Misha shrugs. “Simple as that. Wouldn't read too much into it if I were you, but that he's thinking and considering... yeah, he's not half as subtle as he thinks he is.”

Jared sighs. “Still, won't change the fact that he loves Danni, and I mean... I get it. He made his decision. I can't stop hoping, though, and I feel like the biggest asshole on earth for it.”

Misha takes a sip from his bottle, nods thoughtfully as he swallows. “You have to respect his decision, whether you like it or not.”

“I know,” Jared bites his lip, aware of how right Misha is.

With a shake of his head, Misha grimaces. “So what are you waiting for exactly? For him to change his mind?”

“Maybe. What other choice do I have? He's a married man and it's not my place to demand anything. Maybe all of this will stay unrequited forever, and then I'll have to deal with it. Then so be it. Nothing I can do about it. It's not like I can make him love me back,” Jared snaps towards the T-bone steaks on the grill, unable to look at Misha and his pitying, puppy-dog eyes that he's sure are directed at him right now.

Misha sighs deeply. “You know, he does love you. In his way. He has for a long time.”

“Yeah, just not in the way I'd wish,” Jared's eyes immediately look for Jensen – only to find him on his back on the lawn, laughing unabashedly with the kids piling on top of him. He can't help but grin to himself.

“You're totally gone for him, aren't you?” Misha asks thoughtfully, distracting Jared.

“You have no idea,” Jared sighs and holds out the tongs to Misha. “Here, would you watch these for a moment?”

“Sure.”

So Jared heads off towards the pile of Jensen and their kids, plucks them away one by one playfully to chase them in circles around Jensen. Eventually, he holds out his hand to help Jensen to his feet and slaps him lightly on the back.

Jensen steps away from him immediately after, seeming wary in his presence.

While Jared inevitably feels disappointed, he gets it. Their relationship isn't the same after his confession, of course it isn't, so their boundaries have shifted. Jensen doesn't touch and hug him just like that anymore; these things all have a different connotation now.

Still, he'll take what he can get for now. And if Jensen's friendship is all he'll ever get, then at least he tried this time around – even if it breaks his heart.

Genevieve is out with the kids one early Saturday afternoon about a month later. Jared uses the time to clean up the house to Pearl Jam blaring from the speakers in the living room when he's interrupted by the door bell.

“Coming!” he chirps as he hurries to hit pause on the stereo.

The melody of 'Yellow Ledbetter' is still in his head and Jared whistles it all the way to the front door.

It dies abruptly when he finds Jensen standing there, hands buried in the pockets of his jacket and his head hanging onto his chest.

“Hey, Jen,” Jared greets him, already feeling that something isn't right. They haven't seen each other for two weeks; Jensen only called once to tell him he was on a family trip with Danneel and Julia, which was weird since their families always took family trips together. Since then, Jared hasn't heard from him at all, but didn't want to push either.

“Hey,” Jensen says, his voice flat and emotionless, like he's forcing himself to seem calm, “You got a minute, Jay? Or are the kids...?”

“Gen and the kids are out. C'mon in.”

When Jensen steps through the door, Jared finally gets a good look at him. His eyes are red-rimmed and blood-shot, his skin pale and his lips look like he bit down on them too often.

“Jesus, Jen, what's up?” Jared blurts out with worry, grabbing Jensen's upper arms.

For the first time since he got here, Jensen fully looks at Jared, and Jared winces with sympathy when he sees the battle Jensen is fighting with himself. Jared only gets a second's warning of Jensen's lip trembling before he breaks out into tears.

Jared kicks the door shut with one foot before he unceremoniously wraps his arms around Jensen and holds him as tight as he dares.

“She knows,” Jensen manages to wring out between sobs against Jared's shoulder.

“Danni?” Jared asks, his fingers carding through the hair on the back of Jensen's head. He's due for another haircut, it’s getting too long.

Jensen just nods and buries his head in the crook of Jared's neck, and Jared feels hot tears trail down his collarbone. Tucked in the way he is makes it easy for Jared to rest his chin on top of Jensen's head, take a deep breath and smell Jensen's cologne, the shampoo he uses – he's back to the fancy Lush stuff they discovered in Europe, the shampoo that smells of seaweed and salt – and he feels Jensen shake in his arms.

After a few minutes of standing there with Jared carding his fingers gently through Jensen's hair and his other hand rubbing soothing circles over the small of his back, Jensen sniffles. The tears stopped, but he's still holding on tightly with both arms around Jared's waist.

“Come in and tell me what happened?” Jared asks softly.

Jensen nods against his shoulder, then pulls back to slip off his jacket and shoes.

“Coffee?” Jared offers.

“Yes, please,” Jensen croaks, his voice rough from crying.

Jared tries his hardest not to think while he makes two cappuccinos with Gen's new fully automated coffee machine and dumps two Stevia tablets in Jensen's cup.

When he gets to the living room with the two mugs in his hands, he sees Jensen sitting on the edge of the sofa, his face in his hands as if his life has just fallen down around him. Which it probably has.

The picture is oddly familiar. Jared probably looked like that, sitting on Misha's couch, all those months ago.

Jensen's hair is a mess from Jared's hands and his own, which are currently trying to smooth it down, and his eyes look even worse than when Jared met him at the door.

He accepts the mug with a lousy attempt at a smile and a whispered, “Thanks,” and doesn't even ask if Jared already sweetened it. He knows, because Jared always makes his coffee like that.

Jared sits down next to him, far enough to give Jensen some space, but their knees are touching. He waits for Jensen to drink down half his mug in silence, and gives him all the time he needs.

When Jensen does start to talk, it's not what Jared expected to hear.

He inhales deeply, sighs, and asks, “When and why did you finally decide to tell me?”

Jared can't help but smile to himself at the memory. “On that church tower in that little German town,” he says. “The day before I told you.”

“Why there?” Jensen frowns, confused.

“You know I never suffered from vertigo. But when we stood up there and the tower swayed and I looked down at the ground, I was suddenly sick. And you were right beside me, protecting me. I thought it was so obvious in that moment.”

“What was obvious?” Jensen chases, looking even more confused.

“My situation. It didn't matter how and why I ended up on top of that tower. It didn't matter if it was my fault or not, but I was up there and I had to deal with it, had to get down somehow. And I could always take the easy way out, walk down the stairs like nothing happened, but I could also – metaphorically – jump down the tower, and the ride would be exhilarating and great and I'd make a hard landing. It wouldn't be easy to work up the courage to do it, but it would be gratifying in the end.”

Jensen looks at him for a long time, obviously turning his words over in his head.

“So instead of taking the easy way out, you decided to jump. Metaphorically,” Jensen summarizes.

“Yes. And it's been worth it already, because I can live my life again. God knows it's been a hard landing, but I don't need to lie to myself or to a wife that I'd only feel guilty towards and a best friend that's none the wiser. I know it was selfish pulling you all down with me, but I also knew that as long as you were there, we would make it through this.”

Jensen nods and hums.

Jared lets him ponder in silence, watches Jensen's hands – thick fingers that run around the edge and handle of the cup, dexterous fingers that he's seen coax the most wonderful melodies out of a guitar before.

“You know,” Jensen eventually continues quietly, “I didn't tell Danni. She put two and two together.”

Jared raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure Gen didn't tell her either?”

“Pretty much, yeah,” Jensen clears his throat and looks thoughtfully at Jared. “She said she already felt that something happened to you after the accident. Said there was some kind of shift between you and me, something even I honestly didn't pick up on. And then came your divorce and our trip to Europe and I thought about what you said so much after we came back. I guess that was another clue.”

“So, what happened?”

“When we came back from Germany, I hadn't seen her for weeks and yet I couldn't... I couldn't sleep with her. It just... didn't work, physically. And yes, obviously these things happen, but it didn't just happen once or twice. She asked me if there was something wrong and I almost said 'So much, you have no idea', but instead I lied and she knows me too well to not notice. So that's where we started fighting,” Jensen sniffs and takes a sip from his coffee, then runs his hand over his face.

When he shifts to sit against the back rest, Jared turns towards him, one elbow propped up so he can properly watch Jensen. His expression is pained, his eyes glassy, and Jared quickly wraps his arm around his shoulders to squeeze him.

He doesn't retrieve his hand and instead starts stroking Jensen's shoulder.

After a few moments, Jensen continues quietly. “Danni said something, I don't know, something about the way you act towards me, like you're in love with me, and I just yelled back, 'Well he is'. Which prompted the whole conversation about how this happened and since when I knew and... she asked if I felt the same for you-”

Jensen takes a deep breath and Jared's heart promptly skips a beat, then starts to race in his chest. He doesn't dare hope and he doesn't dare breathe for fear of ruining this moment.

“- and all I could say was that I didn't know.”

When Jensen actually says it, Jared's feelings are a mess on a roller coaster ride. This could mean everything and nothing, but then again, Jared is not selfish enough to not see how this situation is about everything but that question.

“And how did she react?” Jared asks, trying to sound as neutral as possible.

“She asked if I loved her, and I said yes. She asked if I loved her more than you and I told her that it's totally different between the two of you, you know, like platonic and romantic love and that. Then she gave me a strange look and told me that was because the platonic love was the one I felt for her. Seems like she has already thought about that for a while, or at least felt it for a while.”

Jared shakes his head and tries to process all this information. “Have you been drifting apart or...?”

Jensen nods. “For a while now. I thought I could fix it, you know, this hiatus. She's always up in Vancouver and you know how that feels, I don't need to tell you. I feel like it was a matter of time until this happened.”

“Why? You made it work for years during Supernatural,” Jared throws in.

“Because we still had dedication back then. That's what Danni called it, and that's what’s missing now. Because I'm sitting here in L.A., living a good life, and seriously thinking that you're--” he breaks off abruptly, shaking his head to dismiss the thought.

Jared isn't fooled like that, though. “That I'm what?”

“Jay,” Jensen begs with pleading, big eyes.

“No, please, tell me,” Jared begs right back and accompanies it with an encouraging stroke to Jensen's shoulders. “You know you can tell me anything.”

“I know, but-” Jensen grimaces, takes his cup of coffee to drain it in one go, then inhales deeply. “I meant I'm here and thinking that you're a better partner to have a family and raise my kids with than my wife who's nine months out of twelve away somewhere in the world, working.”

Jared swallows heavily. “I know what you mean,” he sighs.

“Of course you do. And that's why things have developed between us the way they have. I know it's not fair and hypocritical to think like that, but I can't help it.”

Jared presses his eyes shut, doesn't dare to believe for a second that the words truly mean what they imply. Jensen can't mean that Jared's feelings are reciprocated. Jensen is currently upset and saying impulsive stuff, Jared reminds himself.

“So, how did you part? On what terms?” he asks instead.

“She said she wanted a divorce. Well, it was more of a mutual thing, but she said all the things I didn't dare say.”

Jared bites his tongue, because he's supposed to say 'Shit' and console his friend, but he wants to say 'Thank God' and kiss the man he loves. He also has a 'Sorry, please don't expect me to actually feel sorry about it' on the tip of his tongue, which would just be rude.

He doesn't say or do any of that.

“If you need a place to stay, you're welcome to stay here,” is what Jared goes with eventually.

“Yeah, I'd actually appreciate that.”

The point is, Jensen didn't even need to bring clothes. He has his closet in the guest room, with enough clothes and underwear to last him for three weeks.

“Goes without saying,” Jared shrugs with a comforting smile, then pulls Jensen into another tight hug.

They sit awkwardly curled into each other on the couch, Jared folded like a pretzel and his knee jabbing into Jensen's side and Jensen's hand squashed against the backrest. Still, Jared hasn't felt as good as he does now in months, and he can't help the elated, happy smile spreading on his lips.

Jensen will be officially single some time soon.

Jensen couldn't tell Danneel if he loved her more than Jared.

Jensen thinks that something developed between them.

Jensen might live with him now.

Jensen is here, warm and fitting perfectly into his arms and Jared doesn't want to let him go ever again.

The little voice in Jared's head that tells him that Jensen might find his own place, might not have meant the words he said the way Jared understood them, might not want to date for a while after the divorce – that voice gets quickly shoved way into the back of Jared's head.

When he pulls back from the hug, the weirdest thing happens.

Jensen's eyes are still glassy, but somehow different than before, and fixed on Jared's lips. Suddenly feeling self-conscious, Jared licks over his bottom lip, then realizes how sexually suggestive that move just was. He closes his eyes for just a moment to get his mind out of the gutter, but when he opens them, it seems like Jensen has leaned in closer to him. Jensen's lips are slightly parted and look plush and full and the sore spots from being bit taunt Jared to lean in and kiss them better.

Jensen doesn't pull back. His mouth is barely an inch away from Jared's, their noses are almost touching, and Jared wants nothing more in this world than to meet Jensen halfway and kiss him senseless. Especially when Jensen licks his lips, too, making them shiny and even more inviting.

However, Jensen has just been left by his wife. Jensen is vulnerable, and it would be one hell of a dick move to take advantage of him now. At the realization, Jared pulls back from the embrace as subtly as possible and pretends to not have noticed that Jensen was about to kiss him right there.

“Jare?” Jensen asks, confusion and something like disappointment in the simple call of his name.

“Yeah?” Jared responds, his voice shot to hell. Jesus, he needs to practice his self-control.

Jensen bites his lips again, looking like he's about to call Jared out on what he just did. It takes him a few agonizingly long seconds but in the end, he just sighs. “Can I have another coffee?”

“Of course,” Jared grabs his empty mug and Jensen's and flees from the room, afraid he might do something really regrettable and stupid if he stays one more minute in Jensen's presence.

Holy shit, Jensen just almost kissed him.

“Just make it a drip this time,” Jensen shouts after him.


	5. Chapter 5

The following week is just plain weird.

Jensen seems to be both strategically avoiding Jared while living in the same house and having to take care of the same children, which is just ridiculous, and simultaneously initiating a lot more physical contact.

Jared almost throws the sizzling frying pan, bacon strips included, across the kitchen when Jensen hugs him good morning two days after things went down with Danneel.

Either Jared has become overly sensitive to Jensen touching him because Jensen’s been avoiding body contact for a while now, or he's just jumpy. It's hard to say, and Jared – if he has some warning beforehand – does enjoy it a lot. It gets to the point where they spend the evening in front of the TV, curled up against each other and practically cuddling under the shared blanket, sometimes with the kids sprawled out on top or in-between them.

Misha stops by sometime during the week on his way home from his current directing job to look in on how Jensen is doing.

Jared hears him ask Jensen, “Say, that divorce isn't particularly tied to you living here with Jared now, is it?” and his heart breaks a little when Jensen denies it. Still, he reminds himself, Jensen didn't lie. Nothing has happened between them, technically, and Misha knows what's going on on his part of this story.

A week later, the divorce papers from Danneel's lawyer are delivered by mail.

That night – after signing them immediately – Jensen wallows in self-pity and decidedly only in the company of Jared's favorite bottle of scotch, the one Jensen gave him for Christmas last year. By the time Jared drags him upstairs and into bed, half of it is gone, and he seriously worries about Jensen.

At least he gets to carry him upstairs, bridal style, which he'll tease Jensen endlessly about once he's not out cold.

He leaves Jensen with a bottle of water and some Tylenol waiting on his bedside table, and, after some pondering, places the old cleaning bucket and some paper towels beside his bed, too. He makes sure that Jensen is lying on his side and getting enough air to breathe, but doesn't close the door properly so he can hear if anything was up.

The next morning, when Rose asks about Uncle Jensen, Jared explains to the kids that he is a bit sick today, but they don't need to worry about him.

That night, after Jensen has finished nursing his hangover and the occasional vomiting fits have ended, Jared can't fall asleep. Too much is going on inside his brain, making him think about the situation over and over again, trying to interpret Jensen's behavior one way or another, and coming up with exactly nothing.

Frustrated, Jared rubs his hands over his face and sighs. His alarm clock blinks with an accusing 1:56 a.m. on its display.

The creaking sound of his bedroom door makes Jared look up. Where he expects one of the kids to be standing in the doorway, there's a way taller, broader figure.

“Jensen?”

“Hey, um. Can I come in?” Jensen asks tentatively.

“Sure,” Jared nods, sits up and pats the bed beside him. “What's up?”

With a long, deep breath, Jensen closes the door and rounds the bed to take the offered place. “Do you even need to ask?” he snaps, then adds, “Sorry, that came out a bit harsh.”

Jared huffs. “Yeah, I guess I don't need to. So, how are you holding up?”

“I'll get over it,” Jensen answers flatly.

“You know that I'm here for you, right? No matter what you need.”

“I know,” Jensen nods, and Jared can't see his smile in the dim moonlight falling through the window, but he can hear it. “About that... can we talk?”

“Dude, we're talking as we speak,” Jared throws back dryly.

Jensen facepalms and chuckles, and it makes Jared instantly feel better. He uses the time to pull the blanket out from under Jensen and throw it over both of their laps.

“So,” Jared prompts after a while, leaning casually against the headboard and trying hard not to focus on him and Jensen in bed together, because that's nothing new. Except that this time, it _feels_ new.

“So,” Jensen says, lost in thought. “In a few months, I'm single again.”

“Provided that the divorce goes smoothly.”

“I talked to Danni, it will be alright. It's not like she's even angry at me, it's just... disappointment on both sides, really,” Jensen leans back from where he's sitting cross-legged on the mattress, and when his back hits the headboard, his shoulder comes to rest against Jared's.

“So what is it that you wanted to talk about?” Jared asks, confused. “If the divorce is a non-issue.”

Jensen is quiet for a long while, searching Jared's eyes in the dark but dropping his gaze immediately once they find his. Eventually, he admits quietly, “I think I'm having a midlife crisis.”

“Happens to the best of us,” Jared smiles. “God knows I know.”

It's Jensen's turn to huff. “Complete with an identity and sexuality crisis? You know, apart from the 'oh, let's go on a road trip through Europe together'.”

“Been there, done that,” Jared nods solemnly.

“And what did you come up with?” Jensen's voice sounds both curious and afraid, but Jared tries not to dwell on it.

Instead, he shrugs, and his skin prickles where it rubs against Jensen's. “I don't particularly care, honestly. Maybe I'm bi or something, but it doesn't matter. It's you.”

Jensen's head turns slowly towards him, his eyes blown wide open and even in the faint light the green of them is mesmerizing.

“It's always been you,” Jared adds, his voice breathy and rough.

“And that's what makes this okay?” Jensen asks without sounding any better.

“Not all of it, but part of it, I guess.”

“So, because it's me. That's why you turned your life upside down without knowing what would come of it.”

“Yeah. And I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Because it will always be you, for me.”

“Jared,” Jensen sighs heavily, squeezing his eyes shut.

Jared wants to chase, a 'What?' already laying on the tip of his tongue that never makes it out into the world, because Jensen's lips are on his, swallowing the word right out of his mouth, taking it soft and sweet and demanding all the same.

And before Jared can even process what's happening, can take in the overwhelming sensation of Jensen kissing him and muscle memory making him kiss Jensen back, Jensen breaks the contact and scrambles down and off the bed.

“Shit,” he whispers, again and again, and, “I can't do this.”

“Jensen!” Jared calls out, follows after him as he makes his way to the door. Somehow, he manages to get to it before Jensen and catches him in his arms, panic and adrenaline shooting through his veins.

Jensen is shaking and obviously panicking, hands scrubbing over Jared's shirt, both trying to push him away and grabbing the fabric in his fists.

“Jensen,” Jared repeats, quieter, a soothing whisper into Jensen's ear. “Hey, wait. It's alright.”

“No, it's not,” Jensen bursts out shakily, obviously on the verge of tears. “Shit, Jared, it's not alright. We can't do this.”

“What? What can't we do?”

“This, us... I don't think I can do that yet,” Jensen chokes out.

“Then we don't, simple as that,” Jared offers, although he's aware just how slippery a slope they're walking here.

Jared's soft strokes up and down Jensen's back and occasionally through his hair eventually calm him down enough to look up at Jared.

“I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm not sure about anything right now,” Jensen says, sounding almost desperate.

Jared shakes his head. “Don't worry, we can take it slow. This is new for me, too, after all.”

Even though a tear is running down his left cheek, Jensen smiles a bit crookedly and self-depreciatingly. “You'd do that for me?”

“Dude, there's not much in this world I wouldn't do for you,” Jared returns the smile carefully.

“Sap,” Jensen says, and the word triggers something that Jared thought he'd forgotten about. _The other world._

“I love you,” Jared blurts out, then, because he can't stop himself. So much for taking it slow, he thinks and mentally reprimands himself.

Jensen gasps for a second, but then he deflates. “ _Sap,_ ” he repeats with a raised eyebrow for emphasis, but Jared can't miss the softness around his eyes, the warmth in his voice and in the full-on smile. “So you'd wait for me?”

“As long as you want me to,” Jared answers honestly as he wraps his arms tightly around Jensen.

“You're too good for me and we should be too old for this,” Jensen sighs and rests his head against Jared's shoulder, which, okay, Jared definitely wants to get used to because it's the most wonderful feeling ever. Or something.

“Also,” Jensen says, then, “For the record, I have no idea what I'm doing here. I just... I know I want this, somehow, someday, because... because it's you. But we gotta work this out, man. Not like either of us has any experience with dating guys.”

“Not dating guys. It's just us. And we know each other, inside and out,” Jared puts into consideration while his brain is on a loop of _'he wants this, he wants us, he wants me oh god'_. “It will work, _because_ it's us.”

Jensen takes a deep breath and tightens his hands around Jared, and they stand there for a long while, Jared's heart beating a mile a minute, hard and thunderous against his ribcage that's threatening to burst with happiness and love and so much hope.

Eventually, Jensen peels himself away and Jared only lets him go reluctantly. “I think we better talk about boundaries and, you know, stuff. What's alright and what's not.”

“But I'm not discussing this standing and freezing in my bedroom,” Jared notes amused as he steers Jensen towards the bed, until they're both falling down onto the mattress in a heap of limbs and end up tangled up in one another.

They somehow manage to get under the blanket, lying down facing one another with their hands and feet touching – and Jesus, Jared swears Jensen's are made of ice.

“So, let me guess, no kissing?” Jared asks.

“Uh, I guess.”

“Even like this?” Jared grins and kisses Jensen's forehead. His self-control is currently walking on the moon, because Jared feels just about as high right now, with Jensen here, and his words and the happenings of the past minute sinking in slowly.

“No. But don't think you have to try every possible body part of me now and ask me if it's alright.”

Jared smirks widely. “Don't worry, I'll save that for later. Gonna need a whole day for doing just that. Maybe need to elaborate on one or two body parts, that takes time.”

“Jeez,” Jensen murmurs, his voice suddenly having dropped an octave as his eyes flutter shut. “Jared.”

“Yes, darling?”

“Alright, no pet names.”

“Aw.”

“Yes. And nothing sexual, for that matter. No touching that's somehow sexually suggestive, nothing... no sex. For now.”

That brings up images in Jared's head that definitely aren't PG.

“Get your mind out of the gutter,” Jensen nudges him, amused.

“Hard one, what with you here in my bed. That one's okay, though, right?”

“Sharing a bed?” Jensen frowns, but then shrugs. “Yeah, that's okay, I guess.”

“Good,” Jared sighs and pulls him in closely, then realizes why this might probably come to bite him in the ass one morning. “Are you sure? Because I don't want it to be awkward in the morning.”

“You just keep to your side of the bed and I'll keep to mine. Alright?”

“But you are aware that I'm an octopus in bed,” Jared throws into consideration.

“And I don't have a problem with cuddling,” Jensen's voice is muffled against Jared's chest. “Dude, is that my aftershave?”

“Could be, I just grabbed what I found in the bathroom,” Jared shrugs.

“Definitely mine, then, because I threw out yours last week. It was empty.”

“Ah well, I like it,” Jared shrugs again, “How about how we’re acting in public?”

That one takes a little longer for Jensen to think through. In the end, he says quietly, “We're friends, right? So we act like it. They'll notice soon enough, but I don't want to give the gossip blogs and their rumors any fodder if it's preventable.”

Jared nods in understanding. “So no sex in a public toilet and getting caught?”

“No sex until this is dealt with,” Jensen corrects, but he smiles against Jared's chest. “And if you keep talking like that, I'll insist on an additional rule of 'no sexual innuendo whatsoever'. Driving me crazy.”

“That so?” Jared muses, smirking at Jensen in the dark.

“A-huh.”

“I'm so, so very sorry,” Jared tries as sincerely as he can manage.

Jensen just tickles his side, that one spot that he knows Jared is ticklish in, making him squirm. “Sorry, not sorry.”

“Ass,” Jared wheezes between lungfuls of air and laughter.

“You wish.”

“Alright, you know what? I'll keep the innuendo to myself, if I get to say one thing now.”

“Oh god,” Jensen moans, but then taps Jared's hip encouragingly. “But yeah, go ahead.”

“I can't wait to discover this with you,” Jared starts slowly, his voice dropped to a whisper now, too. “To take all the time we need and make up for lost time. We'll take it slow and we'll try everything we never got to try with each other. I wanna know what it feels like to... you know, suck you off and all that.”

Jensen's breathing had quickened during Jared's short speech, and by the end of it, he burrows closer to Jared, and Jared even feels the hard shape of what has to be Jensen's cock against his hip, just for a second, before Jensen jerks back. It's weird and new and exciting to feel this, and Jared buries his head in Jensen's hair in order to not do something stupid.

“Jared,” Jensen moans brokenly into his chest.

“Sorry,” Jared sighs. “I didn't mean to overstep.”

“It's okay. But I'll hold you to that promise, just so you know.”

“You better. And we should probably go to sleep. I'm sure there's more we need to talk about, but we can still clear that up tomorrow. For now, I really just want to sleep beside you.”

“Yeah,” Jensen yawns.

“Good night, Jensen,” Jared says softly and with a smile. “Love you.”

“And no more love confessions,” Jensen notes around a sigh. “Good night, Jare.”

“Sorry, didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“Oh, it makes me feel anything but uncomfortable. It's just that I want to... I want to say it back, but I don't feel like it's the right time and I'm still friggin' married, you know?”

Jared sighs, admittedly lost in Jensen's words. _He wants to say them back,_ which – _fuck_. “I know,” is all he manages through the loud pumping of his heart and the buzzing in his ears. He can't stop grinning.

“Sleep tight,” Jensen says eventually.

“You too.”

When Jared wakes up the next morning, a familiar wave of anxiety hits him hard. Within a split second, he's sitting upright, effectively throwing Jensen off his chest in the process.

“Dude,” Jensen groans sleepily and pulls the comforter over his head.

“You're alive,” Jared gasps, trying to catch his breath and calm his racing heart.

“But you won't be if you wake me like that ever again,” he hears Jensen's grumbling muffled by the down comforter. 

Jared huffs. “Sorry. Just... once burnt and all that.”

At that, Jensen lifts his head and looks over his shoulder at Jared, his eyes bleary and reddened from sleep. “Oh,” is all he says.

Jared swallows heavily and nods.

“C'mere,” Jensen mumbles, lifting his blanket for Jared to slip under, then cuddles him to his chest as soon as Jared is safely tucked in.

Jared rests and breathes and wallows in the sound of Jensen's heart beating loud, strong and clear.

“'m here. Not going anywhere. Not dying anytime soon. Eighty-eight and a heart attack, remember? More than forty years to go,” Jensen mumbles.

“Forty years,” Jared repeats slowly. “Holy shit.”

“The rest of our lives. Don't think you'll get rid of me ever again.”

That's when a weird thought hits Jared, and he slides up along Jensen's body to at least be at eye level with him when he asks, “Jen... Doesn't it seem a little too easy to you, too?”

“Easy? What are you talking about?” Jensen returns the question, eyes blinking open and a smile spreading on his lips as soon as he meets Jared's, which are barely inches away. “Hi,” he adds teasingly.

“Hi,” Jared bumps his nose against Jensen's affectionately, then goes serious again. “What I meant was, I expected this to be harder than it is.”

“Dude, I don't know about you, but I'm having a damn hard time not kissing you good morning right now,” Jensen smirks.

“Oh,” Jared sighs, taken by pleasant surprise, “I mean, I... me too, but I... I meant you and--”

“Aw, you're blushing,” Jensen teases.

“Oh, fuck you,” Jared throws back amused.

Jensen just grins some more, the bastard, and now that the idea is stuck in his head, Jared can't focus on anything but wanting to kiss him. His heart almost skips a beat when Jensen leans in, lips puckered and spit-slick and looking like he wants to kiss Jared.

In the end, he plants a peck onto the tip of Jared's nose and grins. “So, what did you mean?”

Jared takes a deep breath and shoves away the disappointment. “I meant us. This. Just... falling into this relationship or whatever it is we have now, just like that. Shouldn't it be harder? Shouldn't one of us be freaking out about being gay or about what someone else will say or – I don't know?”

Unimpressed, Jensen raises an eyebrow. “After last night, I'm pretty done with freaking out. Plus, you just had your one allowed freak out. That enough or am I twenty years younger and on Days of Our Lives again?”

“Alright, alright. No freaking out anymore. I'm cool with that,” Jared laughs.

The next few days and weeks are a trial of patience for both of them.

Baby steps, Jared tells himself, no matter how hard they are. And it's not like it's only for Jensen's benefit, not at all. Jared is thankful that they take their time, because just imagining jumping into bed with Jensen immediately makes him anxious. He wants to make this right, not rush it.

More than once – and one time, it even led to having to explain to the kids that dad and pops just like each other very much – they find themselves in the kitchen, one of them with his back pressed against the counter, the other one standing between his legs. The urge to just kiss Jensen is so deeply ingrained in Jared by now that it's almost scary.

Instead, they have resolved to Eskimo kisses. Short, affectionate bumps of their noses, which have the disadvantage of still bringing their lips very close to one another's. Still, it's better than doing nothing, standing there on the verge of saying screw this and kissing the other one breathless.

It's dissatisfying and frustrating as fuck, but if it's what Jensen needs, Jared can appreciate it. They take their sweet time getting anywhere with this undefined thing between them, but it feels like it's worth it.

They gave up sleeping in the same bed after three days because just like Jared feared, he woke up three days in a row with his morning wood nestled comfortably against the crack of Jensen's ass. It took them exactly a week of sleeping in their own beds before Jensen was back, standing in the door to Jared's bedroom with a hopeful smile. 

“I'm gonna get used to it,” he grinned, and Jared happily invited him into his bed.

His only comfort is knowing that Jensen isn't faring any better. Because as often as Jared has woken up with his morning wood pressed against Jensen's backside since then, it has happened vice-versa just as frequently. Also, Jensen makes these jerky little thrusts when he's unconscious and still asleep and one time Jared almost jizzed his pants from the soft, barely audible moans that came from behind him. Jared can't help but feel smug, because there are few things that feel better than knowing you are wanted.

The first time Jensen kisses Jared after his freak-out in the bedroom is on a rainy Thursday evening, after they sent the kids to bed and are sitting on the couch, watching the news. Jensen simply looks over, catches Jared's eyes, then drops his gaze to his lips and stares some more. The way he bites his lips, nibbling on the bottom one before licking it unconsciously, is incredibly distracting.

“Jen?” Jared finds himself saying in disbelief, because this can only mean one thing – Jensen’s working himself up to kissing him.

That's when Jensen leans in and just steals a short peck from his lips. It's over way too soon and Jared's lips are tingling afterwards, but Jensen smiles to himself and turns back to the TV instead of running away again.

Somehow, someday, Jared finds himself waking up next to Jensen, rubbing his nose softly against his and wishing him a good morning. Jensen responds with a lazy kiss, then rolls over to doze some more. When Jared gets to his feet and into the bathroom to relieve himself, he realizes that it's become the most normal thing between them.

Jensen follows when Jared is in the middle of brushing his teeth, and Jared gets into the shower first.

Showering together would be crossing a line, they decided. Seeing each other naked was ruled out too, even if they've been living with each other for too long to not have crossed that line ages ago. However, it's different now.

When Jared steps out of the shower, his towel wrapped around his hips, Jensen is already dressed. On his way out of the bathroom, he rubs his hand over the small of Jared's back and asks, “Pancakes or scrambled eggs?”

“Both, and bacon,” Jared answers with a smile. “Don't forget to put some fruit into their cereal!” he adds, very aware that the kids wouldn't touch the bananas with a ten foot pole otherwise.

Jensen is still the usual grump in the morning, so he just nods and heads downstairs.

And Jared watches him go, takes a good look at his ass in worn-out, faded jeans, and when he notices that his towel is tenting obscenely over his hardening dick, he quickly slams the bathroom door shut.

_Close call,_ Jared thinks and palms his cock through the fluffy towel, willing it to calm down.

After a few deep breaths and a couple more minutes, the situation is under control, and Jared sighs in frustration to himself. This has been far from the first time. No, there have been days where Jensen is outside in a tank top and loose shorts that fall obscenely over the swell of his ass.

Jesus, the sight of Jensen's ass in general is guaranteed sexual frustration for Jared. How he never noticed before is a miracle to him.

But with Jensen sleeping in the same bed as him and using the same bathroom alongside him, Jared's alone time is not only limited, but practically nonexistent. Which means that taking care of this problem will need a plan, and Jared's got jack squat and a brain that's filled with pubescent thoughts.

He hasn't been as happy during the past months as he is now, though, which makes it more than okay.

After months, their patience is wearing thin, but Jared reminds himself each time he's the one in control and no one else and he's going to make it through this.

It's just hard to remember when Jensen is pressed flat against his body – well, not pressed, it's more like his body is completely aligned with Jared's, keeping less than an inch between them, his hands on Jared's hips, holding on tightly. But Jared stands with his back against the fridge, magnets digging into his back, and Jensen has him crowded in a corner, too. 

It's really getting hot in the kitchen, especially when Jensen huffs out a deep breath, his lips hovering damn near Jared's.

“Fuck,” Jared breathes. It all seemed so innocent when they were doing the dishes and Jensen nudged him in the side for whatever reason and smiled that crooked smile of his and Jared might have hugged him and Jensen might have used that to his advantage and backed him up against the counter, which shifted towards the corner of the fridge quickly.

Point in case, Jensen is standing right in front of him, panting and smelling too good and Jared is hard.

Jensen's breath comes in labored huffs, and Jared can barely resist closing that last remaining gap between them. He doesn't, because he knows he won't be able to stop if he starts this now.

It's not like the situation is particularly new to them, though. More like, it’s been happening almost every day since they came to their understanding.

How he made it through months of pent-up, sexual frustration, Jared has no idea. Whenever things got heated, he fled to do something else, something to distract himself. Which is the reason their bathrooms have been spotless for almost four months now.

However, trapped in Jensen's arms the way he is right now, Jared has no opportunity to leave the room.

“Jensen,” he moans around the warning, and it only helps him realize that Jensen has shifted even closer by now.

Jensen's lips are ghosting over his, barely grazing them, when he asks breathlessly, “Are we really gonna go through with this?”

“You tell me,” Jared manages, tightening his arms around Jensen to make him realize just how close they are to falling over the edge.

Neither of them retreats, and Jared lets his lips drop open, panting just as Jensen does, the soft skin of their lips meeting, sliding over each other's as their mouths close and lock. Jensen sucks Jared's bottom lip between his, nibbling softly at it, his tongue darting out to flick over it teasingly, and Jared moans. He pushes his hips forward, the bulge in Jensen's pants rubbing against his own erection, the friction just this side of teasing and perfect.

Jensen pulls back, then, and drops his head heavily against Jared's shoulder, his chest heaving in quick succession. Jared uses the time to take a deep breath.

“So if I said...” Jensen starts, his voice gravelly and hot, the implication clear.

“Whatever you're comfortable with,” Jared nods, pressing a kiss into Jensen's wild mop of hair. “And don't feel obligated or anything, we made it for so long, and the court hearing is tomorrow, so it's really not that much longer and-”

Jared shuts up immediately when Jensen raises his head and looks straight at him with a determined and decided stare.

“What is it?” Jared asks.

With a grimace, Jensen winds himself out of Jared's arms and walks backwards to the relative security of the kitchen island.

A 'What did I do?' is already on the tip of Jared's tongue, but Jensen pulls out his phone from his jeans pocket and signals with his index finger laid over his plump, delicious, tempting lips – god, Jared's mind is wandering – that Jared should really just shut up.

Jared hears him dialing a number from three feet away, but can't recognize the voice of who's picking up.

“Hey Mish,” Jensen says, controlled and not like he just almost fucked Jared against the wall, “Could you come take the kids for the afternoon? - Yeah? Awesome. - Right now, yes, if you don't mind. - Perfect. - See you.”

Jared watches the back and forth wordlessly and is still wondering what's going to happen when Jensen steps back towards him and takes his hand.

“Misha's here in five minutes,” Jensen says, then pulls impatiently at Jared's hand.

“What now?” Jared is still baffled.

“Bed, now,” Jensen almost growls and it sends a pleasant shiver down Jared's spine.

“Thought you'd never ask,” Jared teases and winks. “We should probably wait for him, though.”

Jensen lets go of Jared's hand, then sticks his head into the living room to find the kids engrossed in their TV series.

“They won't even notice we're upstairs,” he argues, impatiently tugging at the hem of Jared's shirt now.

“Dude,” Jared chuckles, then pulls Jensen into his arms. “Calm down. We waited for months, we can wait for five minutes.”

Jensen groans and burrows closer to Jared. “Alright, fine.”

They distract themselves with the dishes, but as soon as they hear Misha turning his key, they throw the dishtowels across the kitchen and hightail it upstairs.

Misha just laughs after them and shouts, “Congratulations and stay safe!”

As soon as the door of Jared's bedroom is closed behind them, Jared turns to Jensen, “So, tell me, please. Tell me what you want.”

Jensen blinks for a second, then shrugs and seems almost a bit shy. It's adorable. “How about... I dunno, jerking off together?”

Jared watches him closely. Under his hooded, deep green eyes, there's a fire, a heat burning that Jared can feel blazing inside of him, too. Without further ado, Jared manhandles Jensen, who's too surprised to react, onto the bed. He hits the mattress with a soft sigh, then looks up at Jared and waits.

Wordlessly, Jared pulls his t-shirt over his head, undoes the button on his jeans and slips them down and off, together with his underwear. Screw taking it slow, he's been practically dying to do this for months. The socks are easily dealt with, and when he stands in front of the bed, Jensen's eyes almost roll out of his head in his attempt to take in all of Jared.

“God, Jay,” he sighs heavily and pats the bed beside him. “C'mere.”

Jared walks around the bed slowly, his eyes not once leaving Jensen's that are still roaming over his body. When Jared lies down, it's Jensen's turn to get to his feet and strip. He does it deliberately, carefully, unbuttoning his shirt and his jeans slowly.

Jensen is gorgeous, still, especially because of the softness that has gathered around his belly. Neither of them are as trained and toned as they were during the show, but damn, it's a good look on Jensen. He gives Jared all the time he wants to look at him, rolls his freckled shoulders once to relieve some tension, and Jared can see the muscles rippling from his chest down his arms. And then there's the fact that Jensen's cock is hard and standing proud, slightly curved towards his belly.

Unconsciously, Jared licks his lips. “Fuck,” he curses. “How am I supposed to keep my hands to myself?”

Jensen smiles mischievously when he lays down beside Jared, stretching out on the soft mattress, miles of soft skin and muscles on display for him.

“You'll make it,” Jensen winks, then sighs. “For the record, I kind of want to lick you all over right now.”

Jared chuckles, and the tension between them fades a bit. “So, let's jerk off together like pubescent teenagers who think it's totally not gay?”

“Precisely,” Jensen grins, and Jared follows the path of Jensen’s right hand down his body. It skims over perky nipples, down to his belly button, and to the trail of almost invisible blond, crude hair leading to Jensen's dick. He wraps his index finger and thumb around the base for a second and takes a deep breath before he makes the first stroke. Jensen's moves are slow and deliberate, just like he undressed earlier, and when he notices Jared's staring, he nods towards Jared's previously neglected cock.

“Go ahead, wanna see you, too,” he says, his voice rough and broken.

Jared grabs his dick unceremoniously and moans. It already feels so good, even though he only teases at the shaft for now, not wanting to come too soon. His left hand quickly joins the fun, and Jared rolls his balls through his fingers with it. He feels needy, like he's been too deprived of any touch like this for too long, which – to be fair - he has been, and the head of his cock is still too sensitive to touch right now.

Jensen's groan makes Jared look over and find him with his eyes pressed shut and his fingers clenching the base of his dick. “Shit, Jared,” he whispers.

“Anything you wanna tell me?” Jared chases, wallowing in a strange mixture of arousal and self-satisfaction.

“You're fucking hot,” Jensen shoots back, his eyes snapping open.

“Enjoying the show, then?” Jared strokes his cock up to the tip, now, fingers grazing the glans, and shudders from the delicious sensation.

Jensen groans and starts stimulating himself again. “You could say that.”

They spend the next few minutes wordlessly stroking and caressing themselves, eyes never leaving the other one's body, and when their eyes meet in-between, Jared almost comes from the unabashed look of desire and arousal sparkling in Jensen's green ones. He's been on the edge pretty much since they started. There's no way he can delay his inevitable orgasm any longer.

A spark of pride makes Jared want to see Jensen come before him, though.

Now, he could tell him as much, but where would be the fun in that?

“Hey, Jen,” he asks instead, his voice almost hoarse by now, “You know what else I really like to do while masturbating?”

“Hm?” Jensen prompts, halting the constant stroking of his hand momentarily.

“This,” Jared smirks at him, then drops the hand that's been massaging his sack down to his ass, runs his index finger up and down his crack before settling on teasing his hole, rubbing the puckered skin and moaning at the pleasure that's shooting through him at the stimulation.

From beside him, Jensen just groans a loud, “Fuck,” and as Jared's eyes shift to his cock, it's already shooting dirty white stripes over Jensen's chest and belly, his hips jerking uncontrollably.

The picture is enough to send him over the edge, too, and he leaves his eyes on the sinful picture of Jensen with cooling come covering his upper body as he hits his climax hard.

Afterwards, they're resting and calming down, watching each other with dopey grins on their faces and stroking themselves lazily.

It's really, really hard not to kiss Jensen right there, but so far, Jared has always waited for Jensen to initiate it.

“Would we cross a line by cuddling naked?” Jared asks around a sigh and starts to search for the packet of tissues on his bedside table.

When his eyes land back on Jensen, offering him a tissue to clean up, the expression on Jensen's face is soft, his eyes staring into space. He looks like he's fighting an internal war.

“Jensen?” Jared says softly.

“Huh?” Jensen blinks, focusing on Jared and taking the offered tissue. “Sorry, I just... no, I don't think so.”

They make quick work of cleaning up, and then Jensen is in Jared's arms, and they're touching, gloriously naked skin pressed against Jared from head to toe. Their softening cocks are rubbing against each other's, and Jared thinks that Jensen's understanding of a line has definitely shifted.

“Are you sure?” Jared follows up, no matter how much he enjoys this. Maybe Jensen will regret this later otherwise. “I mean, it feels a lot like we’re crossing a line. And I love touching you, but I just don't want you to... feel obligated or anything and we've made it for so long without--”

Jensen curls his hand around Jared's neck, pulls him in and kisses him. Full on his lips, soft and sweet, yet passionate and firm. Jared's brain decides to short circuit in that moment, and he tightens his hold on Jensen and kisses him as if his life depended on it. Their tongues are tangling, teasing each other, lips nipping and teasing and Jared can't help but grin into the kiss.

“Jensen,” he whispers when they part, both breathless and smiling widely. “What the hell?”

Jensen chuckles. “Sorry. I mean, I'm... I've been stupid.”

“Huh?”

“I love you, Jared,” Jensen says sincerely, eyes firmly fixed on Jared's, “and I've been stupid and for that I'm sorry.”

Confused and surprised, Jared shakes his head. “That's wonderful... I mean, I know, but what? Why is this coming now?”

Jensen just laughs some more, then he presses a quick peck onto Jared's lips again. “Because I'm an idiot and I love you.”

“You're repeating yourself,” Jared can't help but grin now, because Jensen is ruffled and grinning adorably, too, and he loves him.

“I'll tell you every day for the rest of our lives now,” Jensen smiles, then reaches up to cup Jared's cheek and stroke it softly.

“You do that, but what the hell just happened?” Jared wonders.

“I realized that I've been ready for a while now, but was too scared to take the next step,” Jensen shakes his head. “With the divorce still running and all, I didn't know when the appropriate time was, you know.”

“There's no such thing. It's gotta be okay for you, and nothing else matters.”

“I know that now, but I'm sorry if I made this harder on you than necessary.”

“No, I get it,” Jared reassures Jensen with a quick, loving kiss onto his lips. “I do. You needed to be sure.”

“And I am, now. I'm in, one hundred percent, absolutely sure,” Jensen nods confidently. “You got me, I'm yours.”

Jared stares at him, baffled at Jensen's apparent epiphany, but after a while, he flips them over so Jensen is on his back and Jared can kiss him into the mattress and never come up for air ever again.

Jensen laughs against his lips, happy and joyful and so full of life. It makes Jared's heart almost jump out of his chest from all the overwhelming feelings balling together in his chest.

“I love you, too,” he whispers into Jensen's lips in-between kisses. “Sap.”

The next day, they take their first shower together and need about twice as long as usual because they're taking care of some business while they're at it. It's clumsy and inexperienced and Jared chokes on Jensen's cock by accident, but it's good, really fucking good. They kiss each other at the breakfast table and the kids don't even bat an eye.

“You aren't wearing your wedding ring,” Jared notes when they're coming home from bringing the kids over to Misha's.

“Yeah, I...” Jensen starts thoughtfully and rubs his thumb over the vacant spot on his ring finger, then continues, “I wore it as a reminder, you know. It's weird, but I don't need it anymore.”

Jared smiles and quickly kisses Jensen. “You'll get used to it.”

The court hearing is set for early noon and when they get there, Danneel is already waiting with a taut, polite smile.

“How are you doing?” she asks.

“Fine,” Jensen answers simply and Jared nods in agreement. “You?”

“Me too,” she says before her eyes shift to Jared, pinning him in place with her gaze, open and sincere. “You know, I'd have to lie to say I'm not pissed. Because I am, at the whole situation. But it is what is is, right? So, I just need you to promise that you're taking care of him.”

Jared is speechless for a moment, but then he finds himself nodding. “Of course I will.”

“Good. At least I know that all of this hasn't been for nothing.”

Jensen has listened to the exchange quietly, but butts in at that point. “Nothing before this has been for nothing, I hope you know that,” he states with emphasis.

Danneel sighs. “That's not what I meant.”

“Oh, alright,” Jensen averts his eyes and swallows. “Just, please, never doubt that I did love you.”

“I know you have,” Danneel says, and her facade seems to crumble under Jared's and Jensen's eyes. Suddenly, she looks tired. “I'm just a bit out of it, currently.”

“I'm sorry,” Jensen apologizes.

She waves him off, then pulls him into a hesitant, stiff hug that takes a while to become genuine.

Jensen sighs, “God, Danni, I missed you.”

“Yeah, missed you, too. But these last few months were hard enough, seeing you would've just ripped open a few fresh wounds, you know.”

Jensen nods solemnly and pulls away from her. “I know. So we're cool?”

“We're cool,” Danneel smiles weakly and squeezes Jensen's hand. “I just want you to be happy.”

“Yeah, I... you too,” Jensen mumbles, then reciprocates the smile.

The hearing is a quick and easy process; they dealt with the details beforehand, and all the judge needs to do, technically, is to make the divorce final.

A week later, Jared wakes up in the middle of the night to find the space beside him empty.

When he trudges downstairs, he finds Jensen in the living room, the laptop open on the coffee table and casting an eerie glow over his face.

“Jen?” Jared yawns sleepily. “Why aren't you in bed?”

“Couldn't sleep,” Jensen sighs, then looks up from where he was staring at the monitor. “Come here?”

Jared drags his feet over to the couch and plops down beside Jensen, letting his head fall onto Jensen's shoulder. Jensen makes a soft 'oof' sound at the weight dropped onto him, but doesn't complain. Instead, he smiles and wraps an arm around Jared's shoulders.

“I found something,” he says and points at the laptop.

Jared focuses on the monitor, which seems bleary, but damn if Jared knows if it's because it's 3 a.m. and he's sleepy or if it’s because he’s starting to get near-sighted. It's a real estate agent's page, and it's an old winery in Temecula Valley that's up for sale.

It's the exact same winery from the other world.

“It's perfect,” Jared mumbles. “Let's buy it.”

“You didn't even see the price.”

“I don't care. It's ours.”

Jensen blinks at him for a moment, then he starts to get what's up. “Oh, so it's...”

“Yeah.”

“Alright. Let's buy it.”

After some negotiating, they end up renovating the place during the next year. This time around, Jared insists on installing an elevator to the second floor, no matter how many times Jensen says it's ridiculous. Because they bought it earlier than in the other world, it's not nearly as run down and they manage to salvage a lot of stuff.

The kids are still going to school in L.A., since they're with Genevieve and Danneel a lot of the time, but during the weekends they regularly spend time in the way bigger back yard of the winery.

They have a huge party when everything is finally done at the house, with all of their friends and the kids. A lot of the L.A. based actors they know are there – Tom and Mike and Chad – as well as Chris, Steve and Jason. The weather even agrees with their plans, and it's sunny all day for the barbeque.

Everything's perfect, for now. 

Jared is standing at the grill, turning the steaks and sipping at his beer while trying to fend off the occasional wandering kids' hands. With a look around, he takes in the people scattered all around the lawn in groups, talking and laughing and playing with the kids, and he knows everything is alright. He knows that life won't always be perfect and that there will be some milestones they've yet to hit – they'll lose friends and family to death or due to not seeing them anymore. There'll be sickness, and there'll be blows of fate.

But just like in the other world, they'll make it through each and every one of them, because they've got each other. 

Jared's eyes quickly scan the back yard for Jensen and find him talking to Misha a few feet away. He's smiling and laughing and looking so comfortable in his skin that Jared's heart swells with pride.

His partner, whom he loves more than anything in the world.

“You look like you're knee-deep in thinking about a life-changing decision,” Vicki pulls him out of his thoughts.

Jared hadn't even heard her approaching, but now that she's standing beside him with a huge grin and an empty plate in her hand, he grins at her just as widely. “Yeah, maybe.”

He doesn't think too much about it until after everyone is fed and happy, lounging on the tables they set up in the grass with a beer or cocktail. The kids get non-alcoholic cocktails and are sipping proudly at their straws from glasses that look just like the adults'.

After some idle conversation, Jensen tugs at Jared's hand and pulls him in front of where their guests are sitting.

“Hey, everyone,” he waves. “Just a word.”

The murmuring quiets down and Jensen clears his throat. Jared notices that the hand that's clutching his seems a bit shaky. And Jensen may be an actor but he can't hide anything from Jared for shit.

He's nervous and Jared has no idea why.

“First, I wanna thank everyone for coming out here to our winery and joining us in what I hope will be a series of barbeque parties to come.”

Rosenbaum whoops at that and gets an elbow from Tom into his side for his troubles. Jensen just laughs.

“Since we've finished renovating everything during the last few months, we'll be able to actually produce some Chardonnay next year, and I hope to have y'all back here when we get to our first wine tasting. Consider this your invitation.”

Jared grins even wider and nods in agreement.

“Second,” Jensen continues, the smile on his lips starting to get a bit tense, but his eyes are shining warmly when they meet Jared's. “I want to say thank you to Jared for all that he's done with me and for me during the past years. I don't know what I did to deserve you, and I love you.”

“Love you, too, old sap,” Jared mumbles and leans down to kiss him softly.

Jensen's hand around his tightens for a moment, and then his other hand shifts from Jared's waist to the pocket of his shorts. When it comes back up, Jensen leans back a bit to show Jared the ring that he's holding between his thumb and index finger. It's plain and gold, and it couldn't be more perfect.

“Wanna marry me?” Jensen asks with a wavering smile and the nervousness finally makes sense.

Jared doesn't hesitate for a second. “Yes,” he answers and picks Jensen up from the ground, kisses him hard while Jensen's feet are dangling in the air. Jensen smiles into the kiss and everything's truly perfect.

The murmuring around them erupts into cheering and congratulations and Jared is barely aware of it, because all he can see is Jensen in front of him, Jensen grinning and kissing him again as the nervousness dissipates and gets replaced by happiness and confidence. Jensen slips the ring onto Jared’s left ring finger and even has a second one for himself that Jared gets to slip onto Jensen's hand.

The party goes on for a few more hours, and when the guests finally leave, Genevieve and Danneel taking the kids with them, Jared goes to take a shower. He's been sweating all day, and cleaning up after the party was pretty exhausting, too.

When he meets Jensen in the master bedroom, he's still naked and his hair is already blow-dried.

Jensen moans when he sees him, shifting restlessly under the blanket. “God, what took you so long.”

“Just because you were the first one in the shower...” Jared grins and crawls onto the bed, covers Jensen's body with his own. They kiss, a hot and desperate kiss that they've prolonged because of the kids and the guests. It's downright dirty, Jared's tongue parting Jensen's lips after just a few teasing nips against his bottom lip. Jared's moan is swallowed by Jensen's mouth, and they've been longing to be alone since the proposal, but now that they're here, Jared just doesn't want to take it slow.

While they're still kissing and Jensen's tongue is busy curling around Jared's, Jared pulls the blanket that's covering Jensen up to his waist off, to find him already naked underneath. Without further ado, Jared straddles his hips and rubs his crotch against Jensen's, their cocks slotting together in practiced motion.

Jensen squirms and moans underneath him, meets every thrust of Jared's hips, the sounds dropping from his sinful lips nothing short of pornographic. He's usually not that vocal, but Jared gets it. He's a bit overly sensitive today as well.

Jared lifts his torso and works his hand between them, wraps it around both their cocks to jerk them together. At the touch, Jensen surges up, rolling his whole body into Jared's, and not that Jensen usually doesn't enjoy sex, but he's surprisingly responsive. Jared promptly uses that to tease him, lets Jensen's cock slip against the crack of his ass, and they both moan at the sensation.

“Fuck, what's with you today?” Jared asks breathlessly, then nibbles down Jensen's jawline and neck while Jensen writhes and jerks every time Jared grinds down on him.

“Want you- ah, shit – want you to fuck me,” Jensen eventually mumbles, panting and breathless and looking so incredibly gorgeous when Jared looks down to meet his eyes. They've never done this before. It's been Jared who bottomed, mostly because he offered it the first time around and he enjoyed feeling Jensen so intimately within himself. It worked and it was great, but Jensen never mentioned wanting to bottom before.

“Are you sure? Because then we'll need a lot more prep,” Jared asks carefully.

Jensen winks. “Already taken care of.”

Jared blinks and stares at him for a moment, then slides off of Jensen to lay down beside him. As he trails his hand down beneath Jensen's balls, Jared finds the flared end of their butt plug resting snug against his perineum. That does explain a lot.

“Jesus,” Jared moans and drops his head down onto Jensen's shoulder. “You worked yourself open for me?” he asks around a moan, fondling the plug.

“Well, I managed to get the plug in. Think you still need to do some work, considering, you know,” Jensen waves down with a chuckle, indicating Jared's dick. “Maybe I sound like a size queen, but I can't wait to feel you inside of me. Wanted that for a while now.”

Jared groans again, then closes his fingers around the end of the plug to remove it carefully from Jensen's body. “I don't want to hurt you, so please tell me if you're feeling uncomfortable,” he says and scoops up some residual lube, working a finger into Jensen immediately. “How's that feel?” Jared grins when Jensen shudders with pleasure.

“So much better than the plug,” Jensen growls. “Keep going.”

Jared takes his time opening Jensen up on his fingers, pausing to apply some more lube some time in-between two fingers and three, and Jensen is whimpering with need by the time the three glide in and out of his ass smoothly.

“God, Jared, please,” he begs brokenly, thrusting down to meet Jared's fingers. “Please, please, wanna feel you--”

“Yeah,” Jared nods, just as breathless just from watching Jensen. He slowly retrieves his fingers and smears lube onto his cock.

When he parts Jensen's legs and lines himself up, Jensen is whispering words of encouragement and nonsensical pleas into his ear, and Jared slides home in a slow, careful thrust.

Jensen's mouth goes slack for a few solid seconds.

“Jen?” Jared whispers, worried. “Everything alright?”

An almost feral groan wrings its way out of Jensen's mouth and he shivers. “So, so alright, you have no idea. Move, damnit, move.”

Jared laughs softly and starts rocking his hips, working in little circles because he knows he has Jensen's prostate dead on already, which is a lucky break he fully intends to use.

“Shit,” Jensen curses. “Shit, I had no idea it'd feel like this.”

“Good?” Jared chases with a grin. He can't help it, but it feels so good to have Jensen underneath him with his legs crossed at the ankles on the small of Jared's back, his cock buried in the tight heat of Jensen's body.

“Fucking intense,” Jensen sighs. “Never thought it'd be so... overwhelming. So much of you, god. Love it.”

Jared sighs and kisses him, Jensen's tongue trailing hot against the sensitive skin on the inside of Jared's lips. The kiss alone almost sends him over the edge, and he has to halt the movement of his hips for a short second.

“Hey,” Jensen admonishes, “Don't you dare stop.”

“Don't you almost make me come, how's that?” Jared shoots back with a smile and complies.

The thrusts become firmer after Jared gets a feeling for what makes Jensen whimper on each and every one of them. He watches in delight as Jensen's face changes from sheer pleasure to wanton need and tenses with impending release.

“Please tell me you're about to come,” he moans. “Because now would be the perfect time.”

“Yeah,” Jared moans, too, “C'mon.”

Jensen lets go, visibly relaxes and groans loudly as his orgasm washes over him. His muscles clench repeatedly around Jared's dick, the stimulation and Jensen's glazed-over eyes looking up at him after having come untouched enough to make Jared climax, too. He empties himself into Jensen's body, his mind blank except for the word “Mine,” which he whispers into Jensen's ear after collapsing on top of him.

“Fuck, that was good,” Jensen sighs, then nudges Jared's shoulder. “Hey, sasquatch, you're crushing me.”

“Sorry,” Jared says and carefully pulls out of Jensen to roll off of him. He feels boneless and sated and just plain happy.

Jensen leans over to kiss him, slowly and deliberately, before getting to his feet to clean up.

As he walks across the room to the adjoining bathroom, Jared makes out a drop of pearly white fluid running down the inside of Jensen's thigh. His cock gives a vague twitch of interest at seeing Jensen like that, gloriously butt naked with Jared's come dripping from his ass.

Jared is so glad that they got tested a month prior, because that's the most sinful, awesome picture he could think of.

“Hey, how about next time I ride you while you wear the plug?” Jared offers when Jensen returns to bed and to Jared's arms.

“Yeah, that's gonna be a short pleasure,” Jensen laughs.

It makes Jared chuckle, too. “You totally get off on this, don't you?” 

“Gee, what gave me away?” Jensen shakes his head amused, his beard tickling Jared's nipples.

The next morning, Jared sits on the back porch with his cup of coffee beside him on the deck, his feet dangling over the edge.

“What are you doing out here?” Jensen asks as he joins him, sitting down beside him and bumping Jared's shoulder.

“Thinking,” Jared says and smiles at him.

Jensen chuckles and runs his hand through his messy hair, his golden engagement ring glinting in the morning sun. His reading glasses are perched on the bridge of his nose, right above the little bump among the multitude of freckles that Jared loves so much. His temples are starting to become grayed, and Jared likes the look of it a lot.

Jared feels like he's falling in love all over again, and the joy at having Jensen here, beside him, almost drives the dark thoughts from before away.

“God, I love you,” Jared sighs around a small smile.

“'Jensen' is enough,” Jensen grins and kisses him softly. “Love you, too, by the way.”

They trade lazy kisses for a while, the sun warming their skin underneath the old T-shirts and shorts they're wearing.

“So what were you thinking about?” Jensen asks sincerely when they pull apart.

“Allison,” Jared admits and looks out into the back yard. The old apple tree already has a new swing attached to it, thanks to Jensen. It feels like a dejá-vu to see all of this. “It's a shame that she'll never get to play in this back yard.”

Jensen looks at him thoughtfully, then sighs. “You see the swing right there? I can totally see her there, with you standing behind her to push her higher and higher. And when she gets older, she'll play soccer with Sean and Rose on the lawn, and Julia is the goalkeeper over at the bushes there. They'll ruin the bushes and they'll manage to kick the ball into the vineyard, and you're the one to get it back for them.”

Jared laughs out loud at the last part, because that was totally what happened in the other world, and he never told Jensen that.

“Nailed it?” Jensen asks amused.

“Nailed it.”

Jensen's hand comes to rest on Jared's knee, and he squeezes it softly. “She'll always be here, you know. In your heart.”

Jared smiles at him and kisses him again. “Sap.”

“You love it.”

“I do. And you're right.”

“I'm always right, because I'm the older one,” Jensen states matter-of-factly and Jared pokes his side.

“So, if you're the wiser one, old man,” he teases. “Would you do it differently if you had the chance? Our life, I mean. Say, if we met again at the audition.”

“No,” Jensen answers firmly, which surprises Jared.

“Why?”

“Because right now, I'm happy with what I have. I've got you, after everything. What's more to wish for?” Jensen shrugs and smiles and looks so adorable that Jared can't do anything but tackle him to the floor in a bear hug.

It sounds so simple and so right when he puts it like that, Jared muses.

They end up on rolling around on the deck, tickling and teasing each other until they spilled both cups of coffee onto the lawn and Jensen's shorts.

And Jared looks at Jensen beneath him, at his bright laughter, at his shining eyes and the love that radiates from him, which seeps right into Jared's bones with every touch, and thinks that life couldn't be better.


	6. Epilogue

Jensen is standing in front of a grave.

There are a million reasons why this should feel wrong or weird, why he should feel sad or guilty, why he should feel anything at all. However, he doesn't. Instead he's staring at the flowers draped all over the mount, lilies and roses and black bands around a simple wooden cross with a picture on it.

The headstone is still new, shining in the low-standing evening sun. This would be their usual time to sit on the porch with the last cup of coffee of the day, Jensen thinks, but he's not at home and not with Jared. Instead, he's staring at the letters engraved on the headstone.

_Jensen Ross Ackles, *1st March 1978 +11th July 2066  
Beloved husband, father and friend_

He looks up into the sky, wondering how the afterlife will be, since he's so obviously dead and yet still here, still conscious.

“Tell me your story,” a female voice interrupts Jensen's train of thought.

He turns his head, surprised to see a colorfully dressed African American woman with a beautiful, wide smile. The first thing he notices is that she has a mole beside her nose, just like Jared, and his heart aches.

“You can see me?” Jensen asks, confused.

“Obviously,” she nods politely.

“But no one at the funeral could see me. I almost shouted myself hoarse trying to get their attention. So why can you see me?”

She shrugs nonchalantly. “I just can.”

“Who are you?”

She's still calm, like she's explained these things every day. “Does it matter?”

“Yes!” Jensen nods with emphasis.

“Well,” she starts carefully before giving him a considerate look and a daring smile. “You're dead. You're still aware of the world and not in the afterlife yet. I'm the only one who can see you. Can't you figure it out, _Dean Winchester_?”

The way she pronounces the name of the character he's played for so long and still knows so intimately makes Jensen perk up. “Are you a reaper?” he asks in disbelief.

“Yes, I am,” she grins that beautiful smile of hers, seeming proud of him.

It takes Jensen a second to process that piece of information. “Huh,” he says eventually. “So reapers are real. And I'm a spirit?”

“Yes, you are,” she nods again.

“So, why am I not moving on? Am I trapped in the world or something? Is this the afterlife? Because if it is, then consider me disappointed. If this is heaven, wandering the earth without anyone being able to see me, then it sucks,” Jensen spits, probably harsher than he intended. “Sorry for sounding so bitter,” he adds. “But I don't think I have any unfinished business here.”

“One thing after the other,” she starts and turns fully towards Jensen now. “You will move on, just not yet, because something is tying you to this world. You're trapped, for the moment. Yes, this is all part of the afterlife, but it's not, as you like to call it, 'heaven.' Heaven comes later, when you’ve moved on.”

“Then what's tying me to this world?” Jensen chases, frowning at her.

“You'll have to find out. That's why I asked you to tell me your story.”

Jensen huffs. “My story isn't that interesting.”

“Then tell me about the people you left behind. Tell me why they'll miss you.”

“Well, there's my ex-wife, who's a dear friend, and my daughter and my grandchildren. The one that's gonna suffer the most will be Jared, though.”

“Who's Jared to you?” she inquires, her voice a comforting, soft rumble.

“My best friend. My lover. Love of my life actually, and I was too blind to see it for so long.”

“What happened?”

“We realized the feelings we had for each other way too late,” Jensen sighs deeply. “Such a shame.”

“If you could change the life you've lived, would you?” she asks.

Jensen bites his lip, but ultimately, it's not a hard decision. “No, I wouldn't. I had a good and long life, with people that loved me, and I grew old with my best friend and died peacefully. What more is there to wish for?”

“Except maybe more time with Jared.”

“I'll meet him again, though - right? Here, in the afterlife?”

“When he dies, yes,” she nods.

“Then the rest of eternity will be good enough for me,” Jensen smiles, overjoyed at the realization.

When Jensen looks over, there's a smile tugging on the reaper's lips. “You'll wait for him, no matter how long it takes?”

“Waiting on Jared, ain't that the story of my life,” Jensen mumbles amused and more to himself. “Yes, I will.”

Her smile just becomes wider. “Good.”

“So, what now?” Jensen asks.

“Now we wait. It won't take long, though.”

“What won't take long?”

The reaper snaps her fingers.

The sun is suddenly setting, then rising again, then repeats at the same speed for what Jensen counts as seven days. There are people milling about the grave, first to sit and pray, then there are workers who put the flowers and floral arrangements aside to open it up again. An engraver shows up and adds a second name beneath Jensen's on the headstone.

_Jared Tristan Padalecki, *19st July 1982 +18th July 2066  
Beloved husband, father and friend_

_May they find peace with one another._

The reaper smiles that secretive smile to herself and says, “Soulmates don't usually make it very long without each other.”

Jensen stares in wonder at the headstone, at the words carved in there. “Jared and I are... soulmates?”

“Wasn't it obvious?” she replies around a smirk. “Whatever life throws at soulmates, they'll always search and find their way back to each other. When they die, they often feel like they haven't spent enough time with each other. Special cases get a detour, a second chance. Jared took one of those, that's why we're still waiting.”

“That's why I'm still tied to this world,” Jensen realizes. “I need Jared to move on.”

She nods her head in confirmation. “Precisely.”

“How did he die?”

“A stroke, on the day of your funeral.”

“Oh,” Jensen sighs. “Was it painful?”

“A bit, but not much. There are definitely worse and more painful ways to die.”

They're standing there for a while, Jensen staring at his toes. He can't really see himself, since he doesn't have an image in the mirror, but judging by his rough, but far from wrinkled hands, he's appearing way younger than he was when he died.

Another funeral is held at the grave, with the same relatives and families gathered around it, but Jared's tall figure is obviously missing. The priest lowers a second urn into the earth, and soon the ceremony is over and everyone has thrown their obligatory shovel-full of soil onto the grave.

Jensen hears someone mutter something like, “He's with Jensen again, right where he belongs.” and can't help but smile.

When a third person joins them standing at the grave, Jensen's head whips around.

“Jared,” he breathes out, relieved and almost crushed under the overwhelming onslaught of happiness spreading inside of his chest. Jared looks like he's thirty-five again, his floppy hair full and brunette instead of gray and balding.

His eyes meet Jensen's over the short distance and he gasps, then jumps forward to envelop Jensen in a bone-crushing hug. “Jensen,” he breathes right into Jensen's ear, elated and joyful.

“Took your sweet time getting here, soulmate,” Jensen playfully scolds him.

Jared frowns with confusion. “Soulmate?”

“That's what she said,” Jensen confirms and nods at the reaper.

“Huh. Well, I guess it does make sense.” Then he looks at her again and exclaims, “It's you!”

“Yes, it's me. Hello again, Jared.”

Jensen just smiles. “So, ready to leave this world and enjoy the rest of eternity in heaven with me?”

“God, yes,” Jared leans down to kiss him softly on the lips. It tingles and the reaper behind them chuckles, so Jensen breaks the kiss to look down at their bodies. They're getting increasingly translucent, see-through, and the edges of their images start to glitter and flare and dissolve into golden sparks.

The reaper smiles when they both turn to her.

“Farewell, boys,” she says and vanishes with them.

_They say that when you die, your life flashes before your eyes and you relive every moment of it._

_But there's also a chance that you're just reliving the life you wanted to live._

_No one will ever know._

**THE END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Special thanks:**
> 
> To [walking_tornado](http://walking_tornado.livejournal.com/), for helping me name the kids!
> 
> To [Kika](http://feathers-n-freckles.tumblr.com/), for alpha reading and checking if I majorly messed up the infidelity thing. I'm sorry for inducing your mid-life crisis and (not sorry for) introducing you to the wonderful world of J2 fanfiction. Thank you!
> 
> To [Lauren](http://blow_me_cas.livejournal.com/), my fantastic, patient, and amazing beta, for betaing and giving advice when she really didn't have the time to and had a bigbang of her own to write. Thank you so much, I couldn't do this without you!
> 
> Finally and obviously, to [siennavie](http://siennavie.livejournal.com/), for her absolutely stunning and amazing artwork. For drawing J2 in my hometown. For being so open to suggestions and a joy to work with. Keep up the good work, and I'm sure you'll make a couple other authors very happy. Thank you very much for all the hard work you put into this, I appreciate it more than I could put into words!
> 
> **Author's notes:**
> 
> So, why this? Why write character death, which I normally hate in fanfiction? Well. After ten years of SPN, I wanted to write something that hasn't been done better by twenty other people already. I hope it worked for you, because I was absolutely taken by this prompt from the moment I decided to write it.
> 
> **Three trivia facts about this story:**
> 
> The little German town wherein Jared confesses his love to Jensen is Landshut, my hometown. I've wanted to write fanfiction set here for quite a while now.
> 
> I had my wedding reception at the Trausnitz Castle mentioned in this story.
> 
> 11th July, Jensen's date of death in this story, is also the day my mother died in 1997.


End file.
